1. There’s a quote from Mike Tyson that went something like “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” That concept applies to entering the palace of altered strategy known as Target. Countless times I’ve walked towards those pretending-to-be-generous, sliding glass doors and repeatedly told myself I was only there for a couple necessities.
Soap, toothpaste, deodorant, EXIT.
Soap toothpaste, deodorant, EXIT.
Soap, toothpaste, deodorant, EXIT.
Soap, toothpaste, deodoohlookatthoseDVDs.
Everybody’s punch in the face is different. For some it’s the clothing section, others it’s the small appliances – for me, it’s a copy of Friends With Benefits for $8. All it takes is one blow and your entire plan is scrapped as you walk back to swap out your hand-basket for a full-sized shopping cart and convince yourself that you need these shelves and those throw pillows and that wine glass set.
2. Clearance end caps can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Phone case in point, I once bought a super protective iPhone holster at a time when I didn’t even own an iPhone. Stupid, I know, but the price was right and I can’t turn my back on a bargain.
3. There’s a legitimate way to prepare for the zombie apocalypse and it’s to enter Target wearing red & khaki on Black Friday, or any day during the holiday season really. You’ll be bombarded and aggressively chased after by herds of impatient, ill-mannered, refusing-to-believe-you-don’t-have-any-$30-juicers-left in the back vicious customers.
4. If you’re going to steal, do it at Wal-Mart or something. Target doesn’t have elderly greeters; they have security guards who are typically aware of the shady, sketchy shysters, and seemingly more likely to bust shoplifters. I don’t know this from experience or actually support stealing, but I’m pointing out that Target is one of, if not the only department store that consistently has a guard near the exit doors.
5. You can get a glimpse of how shopping feels for extremely wealthy folks who can carelessly throw whatever items catch their eye inside of a shopping cart if you visit Target’s dollar spot. I feel like P. Diddy every time I’m there.
6. We know so little about what we actually want in life. I’ve never actually gone candle shopping, but while at Target I lay my eyes on a brown sugar & spice scented, nostril nourishing beauty and I realize how badly I want, borderline need that thing in my life. How many things are there that you want right now, but you don’t even realize it? From a glass of water to a hug from your mother to a new lamp – there’s probably a lot that you don’t realize you want every passing moment.
7. If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. In Target shopping terms, if you found an item listed at $13, but it’s ringing up at $19, don’t buy it for a penny more than the price label said. Be firm. That doesn’t mean give the cashier a hard time, just explain what you were under the impression the price was, and if they don’t make the adjustment for you, have it voided from your probably already entirely too high tab.
8. Aesthetics are a moral imperative. Target’s maintenance and fanciness makeup for the fact that we could probably get things cheaper elsewhere. What’s stopping you from shopping at a more bank account friendly Walmart? Is it the boxes clogging aisles, and crusty, unkempt atmosphere? Probably. We’ll spend a few bucks more because Target has gigantic, elegant red balls out front of their lavish, clean stores. High society, y’all.
9. Shopping carts that appear fully functional but have an obnoxious wheel of defiance are the devil’s work. Steer clear of them.
10. Gateway drugs are no joke. I’ve been addicted to Target for years, which was manageable until they were like, hey look, we’ve got these Starbucks inside of us, try some of their stuff too. I had avoided Starbucks for years and the first time I tried their stuff was at a Target. Now I’m practically snorting Carmel Frappuccinos under an overpass somewhere in Truth or Consequences New Mexico.
11. Your inner child lives on inside, even if just a little bit. Walk past the toy section and notice how you feel an urge to explore those aisles that lasts anywhere from a split second to fifteen minutes that include trying on Captain America masks and wondering why they didn’t have these amazing toys when you were a kid. It’s like the ex you can’t get over, butterflies in the stomach at the sight of brightly colored packages containing fun for ages 10+.