35 Freaky, Irrational Fears That’ll Make You A Paranoid Heap Of Anxiety

35 Freaky, Irrational Fears That'll Make You A Paranoid Heap Of Anxiety

Here are 35 of my most irrational fears that are probably extremely strange and evidence of my craziness, but I’ve got fingers crossed that there are others out there who experience such troubling thought processes as well. Paranoid weirdos with vivid imaginations UNITE!

1. Whenever my leg or foot is dangling off the bed someone, or worse, something is going to grab it. What happens after? Well if it’s someone they’ll probably slice my Achilles tendon, whereas something such as a demon or entity would aggressively drag me to hell or somewhere with no Wi-Fi.

2. When looking into mirrors, I’m always anticipating that dreadful moment when my reflection won’t match up with my body movements. Also, I kind of fear that one of the many anti-climatic, dud ‘Bloody Mary’ sessions that I took part in during childhood will finally happen retroactively, punishing current me for 10-year-old me’s reckless thrill-seeking.

3. Driving alongside semi-truckers because what if it’s a Decepticon, and it sucks me under to my demise? Don’t act like this isn’t a concern. I mean, maybe minus the Transformers part.

4. Walking down long hallways or a staircase and worrying I’ll see a silhouette at the other end. Honestly, shadowy outlines as a whole are my nemesis and I blame the slender man for any apprehension.

5. What if The Truman Show is actually happening right now, and the world has seen every last bit of nose-picking, shower singing, talking to myself, shoveling food in my mouth, making faces in the mirror shenanigans. On top of that, my other fear is that The Hudspeth Show would be slammed by the critics and draw lackluster ratings.

6. A roach crawling in my ear while sleeping. Taking it a step further – if said creepy crawler dropped some eggs inside of me and they hatch, then wander freely about my medulla oblongata, that’s the sum of all irrational fears.

7. A shaky ceiling fan turned on high. Realistically if it were to fall on me I’d probably survive, but I imagine it dropping and those thin, flimsy wooden blades somehow decapitating me, Final Destination-style.

8. Any unexpected, loud noises while I’m in the process of shaving because it could potentially cause a jerk-and-slice reaction.

9. Closing a cabinet mirror because in horror movies they’re usually foggy with a 100% chance of terrifying antagonist appearing in the background.

10. Opening shower curtains. Whether I’m on my way in or out of the shower, I always anticipate a knife-wielding Vince Vaughn looking dude on the other side.

11. When the car driving in front of me throws out a cigarette butt, I think it’ll defy probability and make its way up my vehicle’s tailpipe, where it will find fuel and spark a massive explosion, resulting in a mob-planted-car-bomb size blast.

12. Looking out of windows at night. Even the tiniest sliver of curtains/blinds that leaves the tiniest amount of window exposed is probably, possibly, definitely being looked through by some type of crazed killer who plans to break inside, cut my Achilles tendon and do other slasher movie things.

14. The whole number 13 thing gets me. We all know what the 14th floor really is, but once you’ve acknowledged the potential eeriness of 13, it’s difficult not to steer clear of it.

15. If I try to kill a bug but it escapes, I worry it’ll come back with several of its friends and attempt revenge.

16. Old, black and white photos of stone-faced, emotionless people. It’s almost like they’re living in that still shot, watching your every move with their blank expression.

17. Kids being able to see things that I can’t. Don’t stare off into nothingness. Don’t draw your creepy stick figures hanging from a tree. Don’t talk about your imaginary friend. Act your age! Wait, um, act 10 years older than your age because you’re freaking me out, little weirdo.

18. Everyone can read and communicate with their minds except for me. It’s a secret that the world has been able to keep as they communicate amongst each other, excluding the incapable. They all make fun of me, laughing to themselves – or to each other, telepathically.

19. At some point in life my front door will be kicked down, the police will arrest me and it’ll turn out I’m being held responsible for a crime I had absolutely no knowledge or hand in. Was I framed? Is the government behind this? Am I being Punk’d? Is Ashton behind this? Am I getting V For Vendetta’d? Is Natalie Portman behind this? Are Ashton & Natalie behind this? Am I watching No Strings Attached? SOMEBODY HELP ME.

20. Answering incoming calls from blocked or unknown numbers. It feels as if the caller is already watching you, so it’s natural to scan your surroundings and make sure there aren’t any obvious culprits nearby.

21. After hearing several urban legends, I automatically check the backseat of my car before getting in. Y’know, this one actually isn’t necessarily irrational, as it feels like a feasible concept in this day and age.

22. A snake or some type of creature swimming through sewage pipes and finding its way up to my toilet cheat, where it will leap and chomp at whatever part of my body is closest to the can.

23. Crossing any type of bridge because I’m always fairly certain that it’s going to collapse as I reach the midpoint. Same thing with elevators – every successful floor reached is a miracle in my eyes.

24. If you couldn’t tell yet, having my Achilles tendon cut is a thing I’m deeply concerned about. Most people with this fear acquired it watching Hostel, and it’s not exactly common, but I’m suspicious of everyone, even a seven-year-old kid with blunt tip scissors, wanting to go for the non-existent bounty on my poor Achilles tendon.

25. By closing my eyes in the shower I feel susceptible to all types of monsters/murderers/naked victim lovers to take advantage of my vulnerable position. My belief is, the instant my eyes are shut a dinner bell rings informing all interested parties of my defenselessness. It’s the worst when you’ve got shampoo in your hair, dripping down your face but you freak out and risk exposing your eyes to the painful, burning suds so you can get a glimpse and confirm your safety.

26. Exiting a store I’m always concerned about the theft detector ringing because I forgot that I had something in my hand. That may sound improbable, but every other week I find myself searching far and wide frantically, for the hat that’s on my head, or the phone that’s rested between my cheek and shoulder as I talk on it. It’s only a matter of time before I make the honest mistake of exiting Target with a small flatscreen TV that I didn’t pay for.

27. I rarely feel less safe than when I’m in a parking garage. They just all give off the vibe that someone is watching or following you. Maybe this is a result of too many movies, but those dimly lit, no cell phone service having layers of concrete turn me into Chuckie Finster.

28. That I’m going to be possessed. Some spirit is going to come along and have a straight up hostile takeover of my body. Whatever, jokes on the entity because I’m a black man in America – have at it. I always tell myself that for comfort, that I’m owner of an avatar that even makes the demons say “Nah, I think I’m good floating around doing hood rat, paranormal things.”

29. When a plane passes above but makes a decent amount of noise, I’m  confident it’s going to crash directly on top of me.

30. That I’m in a coma right this second and while life feels pretty legit, I’ll wake and realize it was a groggy mess that wasn’t nearly as detailed as it felt, just as we realize when waking from a vivid dream.

31. Driving under an overpass. It just feels like a vehicle or the bridge itself will come falling down. So basically on or  around a bridge and my blood pressure is rising.

32. Kidnappers. Yes, I’m a twenty-something year old man, but I feel younger than that and weary of oversized white vans. Nothing makes a person in their mid-twenties feel more nostalgic than being scared of something that they know they should’ve outgrown in 1998.

33. At any given moment I’ll have a life ending brain aneurism.

34. At any given moment a black hole will destroy earth.

35. A zombie-esque disease will actually run rapidly through humanity. People think they’d love a wild, chaotic apocalypse, but AMC ain’t real life and if these are the sprinting, leaping Dawn Of The Dead/World War Z zombies instead of traditional walkers, we’re all screwed. You know how the saying that I made up for this post goes: If the zombies run, the apocalypse ain’t no fun. TC Mark

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