1. Eating with your hands. Be liberated from the responsibility of chores. Fill your hands with food, stand over a sink and shove it all down your throat, finding comfort in the fact that there’ll be zero dishes to do afterwards.
2. Sleeping with your laptop on a regular basis. Watch or listen to things on it until you doze off, and master the art of sharing a bed with an electronic device. Not knocking it to the floor in your sleep, avoiding the hot patches created under it, etc.
3. Cooking complicated meals. Because if things goes awry, only you know just how burnt/awful your attempt turned out, and afterward you have all the say over which fast food joint you’ll end up accepting failure at.
4. Do good deeds while remaining anonymous and without sharing your doings on Facebook. Nothing looks more unauthentic and for show than a “HERE’S A PIC OF ME HANDING A HOMELESS MAN $2, RUN THROUGH LO-FI FILTER ON INSTAGRAM! #GOODPERSON #FEEDINGTHENEEDY #IMNICE #JUSTDOINGMYPART #BIGHEART” If you want to do positive things, do ‘em for the parties involved, not the “likes.”
5. Going to the movies. People are becoming increasingly aware and comfortable with attending movies solo, and that’s highly due to the guy/girl who asks 1,236 questions throughout the movie, and our desire to eat all of the popcorn, nachos & Icee without sharing so much as a handful or a slurp.
6. Nighttime drives. Turn on music and become a rapper or lead singer, or have no tunes and listen to the sounds of the road. Either way it should offer some tranquility.
7. Lurking every social network. People you don’t know. People you do know. People you saw last week. People you haven’t seen in years. Prowl their profiles without leaving behind so much as a ‘like’ or comment if you’d like your creeping session to remain discreet.
8. Practicing stupid things that you’re too embarrassed to rehearse in front of friends, but would happily show off once mastered. E.g. Moonwalking or the cup song from Pitch Perfect.
9. Eating in the nude.
10. Talking to your plants – y’know, just in case that actually does help.
11. Getting solo drunk and seeing what resources you tap into while you’re alone, indoors. YouTube? Your pantry? Your box of nostalgia filled memorabilia. The possibilities are endless.
12. If you like, absolutely have to clean, try turning music up disturbingly loud and make the scrubbing, vacuuming, sweeping, wiping, stacking, hoarding cleansing process much less dreadful. Even the dullest activities can be enjoyable when it sounds like there’s a concert happening around you.
13. Creating unique food concoctions. Some of my greatest kitchen inventions, specifically the pancake sandwich (similar to a McGriddle but not make with frozen “egg” slabs and mystery meat patties) were invented with nobody around. Pour stuff on top of things and put things in between stuff and dip this in that and enjoy not being judged for experimenting.
14. Binge watching shows. You should actually always do this by your lonesome, as starting a series with someone else means you feel somewhat obligated to stay on schedule with that person. So when you want to start season 3, you have to wait for them to find the time. That’s too much trouble. Me, myself and I all have the same availability, which is ideal.
15. Dance parties. You can dance like no one is watching, or you can dance with that being actuality. Uncoordinated, rhythm-less folks can pop and lock without concern of others’ opinions, or striking an innocent bystander with a flailing arm.
16. Skipping today’s shower, if you so feel obliged.
17. Consuming entire confections of bags of chips, frozen pizzas, cartons of ice cream, rows of cookies or whatever junk food you desire in one, dedicated sitting.
18. Shopping, whether it’s for clothes or groceries. There’s no one interrupting your process to request your two cents about a pair of jeans, or stroking of egos to make friends feel confident enough to just buy whatever it is they’ve been second-guessing. As far as groceries go, if you do it with roommates, a significant other or whoever, you’re prone to get distracted from the objective. If it’s just you, you can go in, buy the cereal you like and your favorite TV dinners, grab your preferred necessities and bounce. No, ooh, we should try the new flavor of Honey Bunches Of Oats to throw you off your game.
19. Crying. Weep to a soundtrack for added emotion.
20. If it’s raining outside, taking advantage of it in whatever way feels appropriate is gold. Walking in it, jogging in it, sitting on the porch and listening or watching it – when Mother Nature provides showers, we don’t want to let ‘em go to waste.
21. Watching the shows or movies you’ve wanted to see, that have excessive nudity or intense sex scenes. I almost invited my mother to watch Game of Thrones with me but decided to scout out the first couple episodes in advance and realized I’d averted unheard of levels of awkward.
22. Approaching people you’re attracted to. I have a theory that a huge chunk of the pressure that comes with attempting to court someone you like is less about the rejection itself and more about that denial happening in front of others. If you’re out with friends and decide to branch off and spit your game unaccompanied, that heaviness subsides and you’ll find a bit of comfort in the being potentially only one other person knowing you got rejected. And even then, with no witnesses you can deny ‘til you die.
23. Traveling. Even if it’s not too far or long, you’ll realize how much you actually have to pay attention to when you’re in charge. Buying tickets, renting cars, setting up hotels, planning how you’re going to get around and all that other jazz. Even the little things. For example, when flying alone I’m always like, “Oh wow, I should probably pay attention to terminals and whatnot, considering I’m just walking around aimlessly, making eyes at a Cinnabon.”
24. Watching popular events. I discovered this gloriousness because I hated going to watch UFC pay-per-views at bars or restaurants packed full of wannabe tough-guys in Affliction & TapouT shirts, who took a mixed martial arts class years ago so they’re now looking to pick a fight. Whether it’s sports, season premieres, award shows or any other widely popular events, watching alone allows you to have only your thoughts as company. You don’t have to hear other people’s opinions, theories or complaints, and you can think clearly and tweet out your hilarious take on stuff in silence.
25. Living alone. A lot of people suck, so this is at least worth trying before knocking.