1. You always shop late at night and/or strictly use the self-checkout register. The only downside is you have nobody to blame if the bread is crushed by other groceries.
2. The most used app on your phone is the one where you scroll through it to avoid eye contact.
3. When about to leave home, you hate the thought of leaving your non-living belongings behind, and there’s a strong urge to affectionately stroke your laptop and television upon exit. Shh no worries, I’ll be back, boo.
4. Social media. Why is this not called anti-social media considering the fact that it’s probably the biggest enabler of evading full blown, face-to-face human interaction?Nowadays a 5-minute Facebook conversation is like a get-out-of-lunch voucher, leaving more time for your Netflix & YouTube & not talking to people.
5. You don’t mind the automated customer service systems at all. In fact, you prefer repeating yourself to a machine that doesn’t understand you than asking someone you don’t understand to repeat themselves.
6. Your phone doesn’t have a voicemail setup.
7. Your phone does have a voicemail setup, but you’ve got an inbox full of unheard messages.
8. If there are plenty of open seats on, say a bus, you’ll put your bag or backpack in the open spot next to you so that personal space violators don’t get any big ideas and sit next to you.
9. Your lunches often consist of you going anywhere but a break room. 30-minutes in your car or sitting in a bathroom stall are your preferred places of tranquility.
10. It’s a tragedy when you only have cash and can’t pay at the pump with a debit card. You’d rather risk driving on E than having to go ask for $20 on 3.
11. You wear headphones, sometimes without any music playing in them, because they serve as conversation repellant that only the elite, peskiest nuisances will ignore and try to speak to you regardless of.
12. If any passenger in your vehicle dare attempt to engage in conversation, their words are drowned out with excessively high volumes.
13. The four words you dread most in life are “I’ll go with you.” When this phrase is thrown your way and the self-invitation is delivered and RSVP’d for, you have a number of prepackaged responses to shoot down their unrequested companionship.
14. If you had a catchphrase, it would be “Ok, well I’ll let you go.”
15. When you’re at the store and spot multiple acquaintances that you want to avoid, it basically turns into a real-life game of Pac-Man in which you must grab all of your groceries while dodging these potential small-talking monsters.
16. The only time you feel the urge to get involved in a conversation is when you hear or see someone attempting to speak knowledgably on a topic that they clearly have no clue about. So many people are foolish because you don’t have the energy to correct their ignorance and you don’t have the energy to correct their ignorance because so many people are foolish.
17. You weren’t born with Resting Bitchface Syndrome but naturally caught a case of it after years of dealing with people. Unless the general population changes drastically, you feel your condition will remain incurable.
18. You’ve taken the stairs to avoid an elevator that has friendly-faced people on it.
19. You only own one video game controller because you don’t want the rare guest at your place to get the wrong idea or set yourself up for more than the bare minimum of socialization.
20. Regardless of today’s forecast, you plan on wearing sunglasses. UV rays aren’t the monsters you need protection from, it’s the people.
21. You online shop because the thought of a crowded mall makes you nauseous.
22. If you arrive home at the same time as a neighbor, you’ll remain in your car, aimlessly shuffling through the glove compartment until they are ALL OF THE WAY inside.