1. Slow, but free Wi-Fi.
It’s $FREE.99. ON THE HOUSE. COSTLESS. $0. BUY NONE, GET ONE FREE. The world mourns for you if that YouTube video takes a few extra moments to load, but please, for the love of GIFs, stop criticizing free Wi-Fi before coffee shops respond to these complaints with faster Internet at a fee.
2. Lengthy waits in drive-throughs.
Uh, you’re going to sit in the air conditioning with music for a bit, then a hand is going to pop out of a window with a bag of hot food and you’ll be on your way. How is this not considered some king/queen type treatment? If the employee is rude, that’s one thing, but if they get your order wrong they’re human (or Taco Bell), and what we gain in “fast food” we sometimes sacrifice in accuracy.
3. 40-hour jobs.
ESPECIALLY those who are granted a Monday-Friday, 9-5 schedule. You could have no job at all, you could work on weekends, you could be fighting for 25 hours at a retail store that has ruined wearing red and khaki for an eternity. It could be worse.
Step 1: Dress accordingly. Step 2: Don’t feel inclined to complain about chilly weather in the winter. I mean, the later months even give you fair warning in their names – Octoburr, Novemburr, Decemburr.
Aluminum in the SKY, you can see twice as HIGH, take a look, or read a freakin’ book because it’s really not that bad. Seriously though, we’re granted these gorgeous views of the earth and we complain about it. Can the pre-flight process be tedious? Yes, but we need it that way for our safety. Look, you get to watch movies or browse the Internet while sipping Coke and eating pretzels. Appreciate that the entire concept of flying makes absolutely no sense, and is the most amazing form of travel common folk have had bestowed upon ‘em.
6. The toilet seat being left up.
You can take 0.3 seconds to put it down yourself or 45+ minutes arguing/giving a lecture on your preferred condition of the porcelain throne upon arrival.
7. Facebook statuses.
We can hide people’s updates, therefor you are a glutton for punishment if you continue to let I-LOVE-MY-NIECE-NANCY post hundreds of pictures of a baby that’s not hers on your timeline. You let I’M-A-RAPPER-CHECK-OUT-MY-NEW-MUSIC-MARK continue to spam your feed with his low budget, crappy lyricized jams? That’s on YOU, pal – we can block their updates, we have the technology.
8. Typos and grammatical errors.
At the end of life, you’ll probably regret all of the time you wasted obnoxiously pointing out an accidental your/you’re, unless you actually taught it to someone who didn’t know the proper use, in which case your an awesome person.
9. Someone liking them too much.
The “clinger” label is thrown around too freely these days, as anyone willing to show their interest is at risk to be criticized in ways that insinuate they’re being creepy. Stalking is far different from someone texting you twice in a row or sending flowers at a point you felt was too soon. Tell them you don’t feel the same, or pipe down and enjoy someone admiring your ungrateful behind.
C’mon, unless you raged all the way through Sunday, you’re probably more refreshed than normal. If anything, Wednesday deserves all of the flak we give Monday. By hump day it already feels like we’ve been working for five days, and sleep deprivation may have had a chance to set in.
11. Spoilers online.
If you go on Twitter week after week during the East coast airing of your favorite shows, yet you’re not watching, you deserve all of the rotten, rancid, spoiled plot you’re served with.
12. Waking up in the morning.
Indeed it can be a grueling process, but what — would you have rather not woken up? Considering all the crap that could possibly go wrong in every passing second, we should probably begin each day jumping for joy that everything we know is still intact. Since that’ll never happen, we can at least try to hold off on scoffing at another day of existence.
13. Nickelback, Justin Beiber, Twilight, Miley Cyrus (The twerking, la-da-di-da-di we like to party version), etc.
The jokes are played out and you can just not listen or watch. Also, I don’t even think Nickelback is that bad. There, I said it. I hear worse music every single day. You telling me Pitbull is better at music than Nickelback? Flo Rida? Soulja Boy? Exactly.
We should all be granted ONE pass to complain about hangovers, and that’s the first time we ever drink. After that, you know exactly what you’re doing so don’t be shocked the next morning when you feel like the Grim Reaper is beating you over the head with last night’s tequila bottle. “Ahhhh, I drank until it was less like fun and more like poisoning my own body. I POISONED MYSELF, NOW EVERYBODY HEAR MY COMPLAINTS, AND PAY ME IN ATTENTION OR SYMPATHY.”
15. Handling things that they’re supposed to handle.
“.. While everyone else is out drinking, I’m handling business and staying in to finish work.” So you passed on festivities to tend to responsibilities? Is the world supposed to collectively dance and congratulate your handling of things you’re accountable for? Do you want me to call Debbie Fields so she can fly to Pepperidge Farm and bake you the best cookies ever? Should I text Christian Bale and have him angrily, sarcastically congratulate you?
16. People complaining.
And on that note, it’s probably best that I quit complaining about the things other people should stop complaining about. This giant paradox has been brought to you by The Department of Redundancy Department.