1. Daydream about what would happen if you died.
Would people even care? Would Mom and Dad be cavalier about burying their child? I bet some friends wouldn’t even show up. Mom would call to inform them of the funeral and they’d be like, “Sweet, who all is going?” and my Mom would list the people she knows will be present before getting the response, “Thanks for the invite, but there are half off appetizers at Applebee’s, so…. But my condolences and junk!”
Also, which friends would take your death the worst? Which acquaintances would surprisingly show up for your funeral? It’s always interesting to play out the scenarios that would follow your death, but in sad mode we usually make them as depressing as possible. Visions of everyone you know in attendance being seated, but not feeling sad as they dance, laugh and pass around a beach ball throughout your eulogy, which is less of a eulogy and more of your best friend making fart noises into a microphone for ten minutes. Oh, the humanity – nobody cares that you’re dead in your horrible hypothetical head.
2. Remain in bed past noon.
By past noon I mean until at least 3pm. Sleep, wake up, watch TV, sleep more, wake again, check your phone (nothing to see there of course), watch more TV, browse the web, everyone seems happy on Facebook, take a few minutes to wish that you yourself were happy, watch Ellen, feel momentarily happy until it’s at a commercial break, go back to hating yourself, repeat.
3. Eat shamelessly and often.
Devouring a meal at any spot other than a dinner table only adds to the level of misery felt. On the floor, in your bed, or for maximum self-pity try shoveling handfuls of food in your mouth while hunched over the kitchen sink. We only eat over sinks when we’re in a rush, avoiding making any dirty dishes, or of course, feeling skeptical about the importance of our entire existence.
4. Post hints of your emotions on social networks.
Perhaps you can use those Pearl Jam lyrics, but try to make your tweets & statuses obscure because if someone calls you out on your dramatic status, you want to have the option to say, “Chill out, it wasn’t even being used in that context, jackass!” before you continue crying into your comforter. It is important to remember that at some point you’ll have to get out of this funk though. Perhaps sing a song about how everybody hates you and everybody wishes that you were dead, ’cause (YOUR NAME HERE) you suck.
5. Listen to sad songs and Google their lyrics to see just how accurately they fit the way you feel.
There should be a Pandora station titled “Crying Hysterically While Staring Into A Mirror At My Sad, Tear Drenched Face” and it should be utilized whenever we’re feeling excessively bad about ourselves. I suppose it would also make sense to listen to happy music and lift our spirits, but sometimes we don’t want that feel good stuff. Positivity reaches down to lift us up and we say, “GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!” then continue playing Black by Pearl Jam before Googling the lyrics and convincing yourself that it was written for you in that very moment… In the fetal position… Weeping.