10 Moments As A Man That Make Me Envious Of Women

1. When I see the inside of a woman’s purse and realize just how much stuff it holds. I can’t even fathom how nice it must be to have so many of your favorite belongings in a sack by your side at all times. To walk around carrying whatever you please from necessities to random goodies would be awesome to someone who’s never had that luxury. Lip balms, chewing gum, makeup, perfume, lotion, candy, etc. Some women’s bags basically contain a condensed Walgreens, and for that I am jealous.

2. When I’m seated on a toilet and my man part touches the bottom side of the seat. Every time this happens to any man, it’s a disgusting tragedy, and even the least bacteria-conscious dude turns into a germaphobe when their most precious body part comes in contact with such a disgusting area of the toilet. In that moment, all of the dangling and the hanging is infuriating.

3. Seeing the array of comfortable looking women’s pants — specifically yoga pants and leggings. I own full-length spandex type tights that are workout attire, but they’re hands down the most comfortable thing in my wardrobe. Is this what yoga pants and leggings feel like? They appear to be tight fitting, thin material and I just can’t imagine that being anything less than insanely cozy. It’s about as close to wearing no pants as one can get.

4. Whenever there’s a bug in my personal bubble. I hate insects, but it’s not exactly a social norm for a grown man to perform what looks like very aggressive karate every time he walks through a spider web. I can’t remain calm. I can’t pretend like I’m brave around things giant cockroaches. I’m probably going to jump and take a few steps back, despite there being a level of bravery men are expected to uphold in these scenarios. Now, I will escort out the door, or kill a bug, but I won’t look heroic doing it. Picture a tipsy dinosaur in high heels trying to pick its contact lens up off the ground with a tissue, and you’ve got me handling a routine spider.

5. Seeing a woman’s inbox on a social network filled with private messages from dudes. Look, I know this must get annoying after a while, but I feel like I’d enjoy receiving compliments regularly. I don’t care if they’re coming from a person who’s unattractive or has a lame approach — a confidence booster is a confidence booster and I’d take it. I do understand that the tenacious type might start to wear on your rapidly thinning patience, so perhaps this is impossible to fully understand unless one experiences it for themself.

6. Witnessing the various uses and mystical powers of breasts. They honestly just look like they’re a great deal of fun to have. I’d use them as shelves, stress balls, persuasion mechanisms, or whatever else felt right in the moment.

7.  Wanting to play around or work with little kids. Men are often perceived as creepy, predators if they enjoy kids too much, so joking around or interacting with children often puts apprehensive thoughts in some people’s heads. This is why it’d be  interesting working in, say a preschool, or being a counselor at a camp. There just seems to be a preference for women caring for kids instead of grown men, and as a dude who enjoys Fisher Price basketball hoops and hearing odd, toddler logic, this is a huge bummer.

8. You can fart in public and not be a suspect. If a woman passes gas and there’s someone else around her, specifically a man, he’s pretty much guaranteed to be blamed for any pungency in the air.

9. Unprovoked, random, untimely arousal. Nobody has any idea what’s going on with lady parts, whether they’re stimulated or sleeping, but that’s a luxury guys don’t have. The worst part is that some of the time those moments that force men to remain seated or find a way to conceal their groin area are completely unexpected and motiveless. You don’t know hating your private parts, I mean really being frustrated with ‘em, until you’ve had an untimely erection.

10. Some days being a man just feels like WAY too much work. Ladies, you might not know this, but being swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon can really wear you out. TC Mark

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