1. Shorter restroom lines. I’ve seen the lines to countless women’s bathrooms that are inexplicably long. Who all is in there and what are they doing? Should we be concerned for their health? Are the rumors true that ladies have hot towels and a lounge in there, and if so, can I apply for women’s restroom citizenship? These lines filling hallways and wrapping around walls are baffling to me, and while I wonder what gives, it seems like if I have to ask I’ll never know. I’ve gone to the men’s room at halftime of sports events, so I know what entering a line of 20+ people is like, I just can’t imagine that on a more regular basis. This crowded facilities thing is a perfect segue to my next point…
2. Having to pee when a restroom is over occupied or non-existent and realizing that the world is your oyster. There’ll be no popping of squats or concerns about uncooperative urine streaming down my leg(s). It’s just a matter of finding an area not in the vicinity of a police officer and letting it flow. Also, I can’t imagine never being able to write my name in pee. Yes, I’m insinuating that urethras can’t create legible urine text – I’m hoping some people out there read that and say “challenge accepted!” (Please send all pictures defying that theory to 555-6330)
3. Growing a beard. You can shape it, trim it, caress it – it’s literally a play toy for your fingers, sitting directly on your face. The only way to describe to you how fantastic having that type of facial hair is would be this: As I sat here, pondering the perfect words to convey the awesomeness of beards, I tilt my head back and stroke the very hairs that I’m trying to compliment in layman’s terms.
4. Every time I hear anything about how brutal periods are, I realize that not having them is a plus. Cramps, body aches and pains, mood swings, fatigue, blood – I don’t know if I’m capable of handling that, and I find the pain/discomfort threshold of many women to be admirable. I’m just not sure how or if I could endure such annoyances, especially on a monthly basis. Like, there’s a guarantee that at some point every month or so, there will be blood. And pain. It’s truly impressive, because I know that even a minor too-much-cake-before-bedtime stomachache leaves me keeling over and complaining like a weakling, and that’s only one of the many menstruation symptoms.
5. Not having to give birth. I don’t just mean the shocking conclusion, season finale part where a full-sized newborn baby comes out of a tiny body part, but the process in its entirety is amazing. The morning sickness, the weight, the waiting, the random symptoms that are unpredictable and overwhelming – to have your entire life altered significantly for an extended period of time is worthy of all of the kudos. Child birth is such a common thing that I think it’s easy to forget exactly what’s happening and how impressive it is. That video of two guys unable to withstand simulated labor contractions for a fraction of the time pregnant women do, only further convinced me that none of the physical pain I’ve felt in life is worthy of complaint.
6. Being the beneficiary of sex-related double standards. It’s really unfortunate that such things exist, because we live in a frustratingly judgmental time, where many people feel it’s their duty to define right & wrong, and condemn others for doing things differently than them. It’s obviously been discussed many times before, but women being shamed for the same things men are high-fived and congratulated for is a preposterous notion. I don’t have to hear that type of criticism, but I’d imagine I’d snap every time some self-righteous, oh-so-perfect individual tried to chastise or label me for my choices.
7. Achieving a man orgasm is as simple as 1+1, whereas women’s are like millennium mathematic problems – the ones scientists fill multiple chalkboards with symbols and scribbles to solve. In terms of starting a fire, man orgasms are to matches what women orgasms are to being lost in the wilderness with two sticks. That all being said, we can’t achieve multiples which sucks. I know you can’t want what you’ve never had, but this is different. If you’ve had one fresh, warm, gooey chocolate chip cookie, you can know you’d like to have multiples. (I think those cookie adjectives really made the point.)
8. We have so many secret and convenient pockets. I’ve noticed that a lot of women’s pants don’t have pockets, and often times men’s clothing – sports coats for example, contain extra little hidden compartments. Even if you don’t need it, knowing that there’s a place for your miniature-sized belongings is awesome.
9. Crying can be covered up. Seeing the mascara smeared, swollen eyes of a crying woman is a reminder of how messy that emotion can get for a woman. Guys can cry for 45 minutes on their bathroom floor, then wipe away the tears and go out in public 20 seconds later without anyone noticing. No dripping eye makeup, no puffiness or dead giveaways. I’m sure there are plenty of women capable of concealing their sobbing sessions somewhat, but any makeup worn during the waterworks puts them at a disadvantage.
10. Not having to deal with dudes. When I see a woman being hounded by a dude who bought her a drink and is now under the impression that she owes him something, at the very least 5-3,600 minutes of attention, and her to pretend like she’s enjoying his sales pitch I feel awful. It doesn’t look fun, it looks stressful. This would do some permanent damage to me because I wouldn’t want to accept anything from anyone, out of fear that they’ll expect me to dance/interact/exchange phone numbers with them. Basically, not having to experience the unwarranted persistence of a horny, clueless and/or overconfident man every time I’m out is a perk in itself.