1. You wake up and there’s about 7 or 8 minutes left before you have to get up. This is such BS and it feels as if the universe and your body joined forces to troll you at the crack of dawn. You have moments before the rooster crows, so you try to make the most of that little bit of time.
2. The alarm goes off and is basically the equivalent of having Judge Judy, Gilbert Gottfried, Fran Drescher, Samuel L. Jackson, and Nancy Grace leaning next to your head and, in unison, screaming “HELLO! WAKE UP MOTHERF-CKER!” in your ear, over and over and over and over and over again.
3. There’s drool everywhere. Like, a puddle large enough to make you Google if ShamWow makes absorbent pillows. (As of March 6th, 2013, 8:03 AM EST they still don’t – yes, I check every morning.)
4. Your eyes are crusty and you look your worst. Are you the only one who still wakes up in a puddle of slobber and crusty stitches sewing your eyes shut?
5. If it’s cold, getting out of your established warm, cozy spot in bed, under blankets is that much more difficult.
6. Deciding what outfit to wear brings back flashes of difficult, multiple choice tests from the past. What’s the answer? It could be A, B, C or D and you’re standing there, staring at the closet like the right pair of pants is going to speak up and say, “I’m what you want.” It sucks. If you dress nicely, you won’t see anybody of importance. If you wear tattered, but comfy stuff, you’re almost guaranteed to run into your high school crush at some point.
7. Everyone on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram is being all positive and GOOD MORNING-Y while you’re like, how the hell is everyone so ecstatic about sleep deprivation?
8. After exiting all social networks because of overenthusiastic morning people, you notice the birds singing and chirping merrily like a friggin’ Disney ballad is taking place outside. Um, birds, y’all live in a flocking tree and your life expectancy is decent for an animal, but nothing to be that happy about.
9. You got shampoo in your eyes while showering and it’s painful. You’re agonizing screams sound like it’s butt stuff night at the Herbal Essence woman’s home.
10. The toilet seat is always cold. So, so unforgivingly freezing cold.
11. You brushed your teeth and now orange juice or anything other than water tastes like hate. They will continue to for at least 45 excruciating minutes.
12. You don’t want food because your appetite is non-existent in the morning, but you know that you have to eat something to avoid headaches or extra grumpiness. (In your defense, breakfast is so much better as dinner than it is as breakfast.)
13. The radio stations all have morning talk shows and commercials when you want music. So you switch to Pandora Radio, which proceeds to offer you a Big O Kit numerous times and selects all of the wrong songs like a blind, out of touch DJ who has no idea what artists are similar to Natasha Bedingfield.
14. The first few people you interact with won’t be upbeat morning people – they’ll be grumpy monsters as much, if not more irritable than you.
15. Once you drink your coffee, tea, or whatever it is that helps you wake up, you realize all of the horrible thoughts that have taken place in your brain and would like to apologize to your friends, the birds, your alarm clock, and anyone else who may’ve had the misfortune of crossing your path pre-consciousness.