This episode of The Bachelor opens with all the girls talking about how they can’t even sleep because they are so excited to be dating Nick. He’s a slutty nerd with a weird speaking affect who seems terrible at being in a relationship, but okay, he’s got a hot body now (thanks crossfit), so I’m tracking.

This week Chris Harrison greets the girls and tells them it’s “physically impossible” for all the girls to go on a date, even though Chris Harrison invents how many days inhabit the Bachelor “weeks” and how much time there is for the dates to exist. But, sure, let’s create scarcity for content because we all know whatever Chris says the girls are going to react like this:

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Bye Bye bitch

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Liz

OMG lol. Liz is such a tragic psycho and I don’t even feel bad for her. If she genuinely believes she’s a victim here she deserves her own reality show because she is on another plane of existence. She manipulates Nick by turning him down after they have a seemingly awesome night of sex and then shows up NINE MONTHS LATER on his reality show to yell at him for not pursuing her. 0_0

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ranking the girls this week

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Jaimie

Not really sure why she’s here.

Kristina

At the beginning of every Bachelor season you can kind of tell who is there as filler and who is getting a low key edit so the producers don’t blow their load before the drama driven finale. Kristina is the former, not the latter.

Jasmine

Jasmine is crazy and going to get crazier and I am HERE FOR IT. She’s a former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader which you might know if you watch the best show on television Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making The Team. She sticks through this episode and there’s absolutely no way she makes it to the end — BUT — she’s going to be really fun to watch.

Corinne

Corinne is my absolute idol. Corinne takes a situation in which everyone is wearing disgusting wedding dresses while she wears a bikini and feels threatened because one other girl is wearing only bikini bottoms and mermaid hair and makes it into an obstacle she’s overcome. “I didn’t just go into this photo shoot with no clothes, I actually was daring enough to take them off.”

For the LOLs, here’s Jasmine’s reaction to Corinne taking her top off:

Unfortunately Corinne says in her on camera interview “no one has ever held my boobs like that” of Nick during her photoshoot. This is unfortunate because he was scared and awkward and not good. Corinne! You can do better! Go on Tinder!

Alexis

Alexis is the shotgun wedding so she gets to play dress up again, which is perfect for her. Nick seems intrigued that she’s so adventurous, but I think with anyone who knows someone like Alexis, eventually you just want to know if they’re capable of having an attention span longer than a fruit fly. We’ll see how long she sticks around.

Hailey

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Hailey bitches and moans about how her family would “kill her” if she took her top off in a swimming pool but literally yesterday she was telling Nick (and America!) that she wasn’t wearing any panties, which is way skankier because there’s no element of fun.

Josephine

Josephine belongs in a mental institution but she’s nice and fun to watch so I’ll allow it.

Dominique

Dominique is left out of this weeks dates. Maybe she had THAT great of a connection with Nick on night one, or maybe he’s biding his time to eliminate her.

Whitney

Whitney also didn’t get a date but if it’s between her and Dominique, one is a pilates instructor and the other is a server…

Lacey

I have a feeling Lacey is totally filler here and she’s going to regret wasting compliments like “Nick could wear a paper bag and look good” on his corny ass. She’s featured a lot in this episode because she gives good recaps to producers. When she kissed Nick she says “tastes like Danielle”.

Taylor

I think going to school and getting a bunch of degrees used to ensure you were a smart person but Taylor is the most recent in a long line of people who seem to use degrees to claim that they are smart… while proving otherwise. Like, I’m sure she could recite some social work textbook verbatim but… does she actually know anything? He social skills are shocking for a therapist, she has no clue how to make people comfortable or what an appropriate thing to say is.

Raven

Raven “left a lot at home” to come here and “find love” so she’s sad that Nick’s time is being monopolized by Corinne and her braless ways. Again, I really don’t think Nick is going to be into her vibe. Wrong place wrong time to be on The Bachelor cause any other guy would eat it up.

Astrid

Astrid goes on Nick’s bizarro breakup museum date and we don’t see a lot from her, but she doesn’t feel like the kind of filler that’s not showcased because she’s going to be promptly eliminated.

Vanessa

Somehow I feel like this 80’s white trash wedding look actually is Vanessa. Like, her angular face was just screaming for this episode to air.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth is just her sweet self while other girls do things like make her crush feel their boobs. I have high hopes that she’s a dark horse who will do better as the season goes on, but for now she’s a total wallflower.

Sarah

Sarah literally looks like this all the time. I can’t take her seriously. I feel like someone would punch her in the face and she’d be super psyched about it.

Brittany

Can. We. Talk. About. How. Incredible. Brittany. Looks. This. Episode ????

Wow. This is my dream vacation outfit.

Just hope Nick isn’t as disappointed as I am when he remembers in real life she has short hair.

Danielle L

“I’ve never been a bridesmaid before” which is perfect because “Nick’s never been a groom before”. Ummm. Does this person know how weddings/life works? That doesn’t even make sense.

But anyways Danielle L doesn’t get a lot of air time this episode but she’s safe because of her amazing cleavage on night one and because this episode is devote to how much of a psycho Liz is.

Christen

I think Christen is the most beautiful girl left on this show. She seems level-headed and cool. I’m not convinced she has any spark with Nick, but I hope she goes far.

Danielle M

My mom told me a rumor that Danielle M was in a music video for a country singer back in Nashville, so we definitely don’t think she’s there “for the right reasons”. HOWEVER, she definitely has the right kind of charm to fool Nick, so I’m not convinced she isn’t going to be around for a long time.

Also she tells a weird sob story about how her fiance died of a drug overdose. Like legit, I love people who talk about their addiction stories and try to get better. I’m super sorry someone died but it’s also weird to be engaged to someone who is addicted to drugs??? Is that rude to mention??? How is it normal/forever person material to be engaged to someone who is addicted to drugs???

Rachel Lindsey

Rachel didn’t go on a date this week, but I assume that’s because she got the first impression rose — meaning Nick wants to take a time out to get to know some of the more iffy girls before he circles back to see how strong his connection is with his main girl.

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Burning Question for next week’s episode

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Will anyone be able to get over Nick’s gross face after he says ‘Liz and I had sex’ ???

Will Nick regret driving up to the house in a convertible like a douchebag to begin his apology tour???

Will Vanessa continue to be confused about the morals of a guy she watched fucked two other girls on television before uprooting her life to pursue (also on television) ???

Will we FINALLY get a rose ceremony????