(March 21st to April 19th)
The most common last words for an Aries are “hold my beer.” Their adventurous spirit is an aspirational attribute — until they do something gloriously stupid like riding a segue off a cliff or disappearing while traveling to a foreign country they insist is “totally safe.”
(April 20th to May 21st)
A Taurus will die doing something they insist they can do alone, but shouldn’t. Have fun being crush underneath the bookshelf you thought you could move on your own!
(May 22nd to June 21st)
A Gemini will die by making friends with the wrong person. They’re so friendly and positive that they see the good in everyone — even people that scream “bad for you.” While they SWEAR they have excellent intuition, they’ll die by their misplaced trust in a fixer upper of a friend.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
A Cancer will die of a broken heart or something equally sappy and lame. When something really bad happens, their self-destructive habits come out. They’ll wallow away until their resolve to go on fizzles.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
A Leo will die in a desperate plea for attention. Every #selfiedeath has been a Leo.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
A Virgo will die at the office. On a holiday weekend.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
A Libra will die doing something for someone they love. Like, there will be a flu shot shortage one year and they’ll forgo one out of the goodness of their hearts — and then get the flu and die.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
A Scorpio will die in a fight with someone over a topic they’ve already forgotten about. They will leave instructions to make sure their obituary clarifies that they won.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
A Sagittarius will die of laughter, probably at their own joke.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
A Capricorn will die of old age on a deathbed, surrounded by all the people who have disappointed them in their lives so they can spend their last few hours being let down one last time.
(January 21st to February 18th)
An Aquarius will die helping someone in need — at their own expense. They’ll pick up a hitchhiker that plays on their sense of duty and do-gooderness or get hurt while trying to rescue someone from an accident. They’re the kind of person you hope is around in a crisis.
(February 19th to March 20th)
A Pisces will wander into traffic while writing a poem on their iPhone notes or getting lost in the lyrics to whatever dreamy song is playing in their headphones. They will literally die because their head was in the clouds.