A Thing About Men I’m Afraid Of


I’m always paranoid men are going to think I’m falling in love with them. Because, I don’t know, isn’t that a thing they are always thinking? Aren’t they, at some point in their collective youths, imbued with this community fear? That women only want to love them in order to take something away from them. That there is freedom that exists only in the stark contrast of feminine love and that our wiles exist to woo you to the dark side.

The nightmare is that you wake up one day and you are middle aged and you are chained to cinderblocks in the form of a nagging wife and kids and a mortgage that means you really can’t do anything to save yourself.

Maybe I’m projecting.

Maybe I have just had a lot of arguments with men who have always thought I was falling in love with them. And there’s nothing that will make a mark on your psyche like arguing with someone about whether the way you feel is silly. Or that they know more than you do about the way that *you feel.*

I don’t know what other people expect from me, or what they want. I know the way my whole body feels when I appreciate someone for what they are without needing more than what is happening in the present. Isn’t that what every mystic, ever, says? Nothing good can come from wanting things to be other than they are. If you are wise you are supposed to love this moment for all the good parts that are making it up. And I think I can do that.

But there’s this voice in the background, this subtle dis-ease that the intensity of my enjoyment might be taken as a sign by others to be something else. Some kind of yearning for a future I don’t want to think about. I want my yes to mean yes and my no to mean no, but I also understand that we have all gotten so good at lying to each other, and to ourselves, that all of these things only mean maybe — and for the time being.

I don’t want to be pitted against people. I don’t want our happiness to be zero sum — the abundance of mine coming at the expense of yours. I want there to be some kind of prairie away from the obstruction all of other people’s ideas about how things should be where we can see that nothing is coming in the distance. And nothing is hiding, waiting to jump out. TC mark


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  • http://laurenlalasimon.wordpress.com Lala Simon

    It would be nice. There is something hiding, waiting to jump out all the time. And if you don’t feel the same way they think you do? They beat you down and they leave you in the prairie stranded there. Paralyzed and 10,000 feet away from your house. It’s basically unavoidable. Just like that painting.

    What they don’t realize is: assuming we are the kind of woman we are not? It teaches us we should be gold diggers, users, damsels in distress. We would be better off weak with no integrity. We should respect them but never expect that respect returned. We should stand up for them but they shouldn’t have to stand up for us. We should challenge them but don’t get mad when they decide to ruin our lives then whine about the fact nobody is there to challenge them.

    They teach us: we would be “smarter” and more “practical” being exactly what they fear or being the kind of woman to take a man for all he’s worth and expect the world among other unreasonable things. We shouldn’t see through the lies and we would actually be “smarter” and “safer” to get jealous over petty matters and act like a “brat”.

    They teach us: We “should” fall for the game they run (when we know deep down it’s an act and nothing really lasts forever… and we know that’s okay but that still doesn’t mean we want to be intimate with them).

    They teach us: We would be “smarter” to chain them down. Make them hate their lives. Stand in their way. They teach us: if we don’t stand in their way and give them everything they want? They’ll just gladly stand in ours.

    When men act so foolishly this is the message they send. That if I were a worse (more unreasonable) human being — I might succeed in life. If I were just less wise, intuitive or plain stupid and naive I might have a shot and living my dreams.

    They beat down the ones who want nothing from them simply because they don’t want something from them! Makes no sense to me. It seems that the smarter and stronger and more wise we are (and the more you respect others boundaries) the more our boundaries get pushed.

    You enforce your boundaries and you stand up for yourself (or speak your mind) and they punish us for it because their ego is wounded? Then they wound ours and get mad it didn’t break us?

    Should we be the “smart-dumb” women or “wise” women? They don’t know what they want. How do they not see this?!

  • http://indepthwoman.wordpress.com indepthwoman

    I had a guy once tell me I wanted a relationship with him, when he was the one that mentioned it to me. He also mentioned love, way before he saw me. And the asshole was married. But when he saw me for the second time, he forgot. He had a whole cemetery in his closet. This was all before a first date. He tried so hard to cover up what was going on in his life, but I figured it out. Then he tried to manipulate and lie about it, to make it seem like he wasn’t a liar, but it fell apart in his face. I still have our conversation saved on my computer, LOL. Not once did I mention to this man that I loved him or anythin g, we only spent two hours around eachother, last time, 9 years prior, we met in an elevator, so when he saw me again, he thought God sent me to him as a second chance and he was doing his best to hold on to me, and I had no clue I was even an option. Because I did not know him. I kept telling him I didnt want a relationship and to slow down, we were suppose to be working together but he took one look at me and wanted something else. He was full of himself and selfish. I’m glad I never went out with him when I was 23 and 9 years later, theres always a reason why. He tried to blame me, that I didnt have his 3 kids or that I wasnt his wife. He had 3 kids by 3 different women. I ran like hell. He was in strong lust or like of me and ued the word love and I just ignored him. Not once did I say anything to him about anything serious. Men always think because you show them attention or anything you do, they confuse it and twist it. I was concerned over someone and the dude told me I was in distress, I was just worried. In life, shit happens, you never know when the last time you’ll hear from someone, I was just checking up on this guy , because I thought we were friends. But being a friend men twist it and act like you are in love with them and they want to tell you how you feel. The married guy, thought he knew me after 2 hours and 6 days of chatting. He thought he gathered enough info on me to come to a conclusion that I was it for him, he even started talking about me being a step mother to his kids I didn’t even know he had.

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