In the first episode we follow Softboy Ben as he wanders around his hometown like Matthew Mcconaughey in Dazed and Confused and cries about how he’s at the elderly age of 26 and has not found love yet. He says he has a fear that he is unloveable which is a huge joke because he’s very obviously good-looking and very obviously comes across as likeable enough that everyone was dying for him to be the next Bachelor, so his whole monologue comes off as really whiny and annoying instead of sincere. Maybe he was trying to relate to us regular people at home with our regular people romantic problems. Anyways, Ben wants someone who “supports small town values” which, he’s in luck because this describes every single woman who auditions for The Bachelor.
Below is a ranking of how the women did this week in terms of how far I think they’re likely to make it on the show. Whether you’re doing research for your Bachelor fantasy draft or just wanting to dissect the drama-fest that is 25 women fighting for one D-list celebrity, please enjoy and leave your own take in the comments.
From least to most likely to make it to the end, here are all the women:
It’s like Breanne (nutritional therapist) has never met someone before because she introduces herself by talking about her gluten-free diet which is a topic people hate talking about so much that people are even sick of people talking about how much people hate talking about it.
Let’s be completely honest for a sec: Tiara never had a chance. Never. It’s okay to be a complete weirdo who is obsessed with chickens but then I think you need to go on a specialty dating site for cowboys or other people obsessed with chickens. No normal person is going to think it’s cute or endearing that you sleep with a chicken in your bed.
Another (cow)girl who didn’t have a chance. She’s stunning and vibrant, but she swears and drinks whiskey and is aggressive — all things that are never going to work well with someone like Softboy Ben.
Lauren R (math teacher) calls Ben her favorite Hoosier which should impress him, but then she talks about all the time she spent stalking him on social media, to which Ben replies “what’s your name?” Yikes.
On behalf of women everywhere, THANK YOU Ben for not choosing Izzy (graphic designer). She shows up in her pajamas, which could be cute if another girl did it.
Yes I’m treating Emily and Hayley (occupation: twins) as one person because they treat themselves as one person. And because I really think it’s very unlikely that Ben falls for one of them and does anything other than eliminate both of them at the same time. Frankly, I’m shocked that they weren’t eliminate the first night. Ratings… I guess. Anyways Chris Harrison told us on Bachelor Live (which, sorry, I watched it) that they go on a soccer date next week and one of them breaks their finger and that’s how Chris Harrison/Ben tell them apart. Again, doesn’t seem like they will be around that long.
Lace (real estate agent) will not win. I’m putting Lace at the bottom not because I’m convinced she’ll go home next week, but because she cannot win. And that’s the thing, you can not have a great personality and win The Bachelor but you have to do a much better job of hiding it. Only once in Bachelor history did a villain make it to the end (Courtney, here’s her Bachelor tell all) but that particular Bachelor (Ben Flajnik) seemed like a dipshit from the start. She gets out of the limo in the most beautiful dress ever and is really gorgeous herself, but she makes it sooo abundantly clear from the getgo that she is not beautiful inside.
I’m really unsure of Amber’s chances here. I like her and she’s cool and beautiful but 4 years older than Ben and already an alum of 2 Bachelor shows. It just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.
Becca is already 100x more interesting than she was on her season. Maybe she needed to get used to the cameras but she has come out of her shell, finally. Thought she does say she’s never been this nervous in her entire life. Which is weird. Because she was one person away from getting proposed to a few months ago…
Jennifer (small business owner) has kind of a flat personality for reality TV. She makes awkward small talk and then forces him to promise to talk to her again inside. Later on she makes sure to talk to him about morals and values and how important they are without actually saying what any of those morals and values are.
Lauren H (kindergarten teacher) talked about how she just caught the bouquet at a wedding and how it was a sign — because we all know what really gets men hot is talking about how much you want to get married.
Jamie (bartender) is Canadian. She jokes with Ben that she knows Kaitlyn and that Kaitlyn told him he has a big heart (but maybe also a big penis???) it was weird.
I really, really wanted Samanta to do well. She’s beautiful and intelligent but she does this thing a lot of smart girls do which is to make sure everyone around them knows they are smart. She tells Ben in her first breath that she just passed the bar (yay) and then in her next asks if he likes legal briefs. I don’t think that’s a great first impression but hopefully she makes up for it next week when they start to get to know each other.
Mandi (dentist) seems really cool in real life? She puts a giant rose on her head and talks about how weird she is but I bet that makes her a really fun person to have in your life. However… this isn’t the real world it’s Bachelor world and Ben is probably too basic to appreciate her.
Jubilee (war veteran) shows up with a neck tattoo and a really hideous dress that Ben seems to really like. But she is sweet and stunning and gets a rose after making a connection with Ben.
LB (fashion buyer) looks amazing and is confident without being smarmy. She seems to have a good connection with Ben, but also feels a little bit like filler.
Shushanna (mathematician) gets out of the limo and speaks Russian to Ben, which he says he loves. It’s good for her, too, because he can’t be creeped out when she says “we were created for each other” because he can’t understand it.
Amanda (esthetician) is one of the most beautiful people I’ve seen on the show. She gets out of the limo and makes it a point to tell Ben she’s really glad it’s him which he appreciates.
Jojo (real estate developer) gets out of the limo with a unicorn mask on her head which could come off as really weird. But she’s really beautiful and sweet.
Lauren B (flight attendant) is the first one out of the limo to meet Ben. They have a really cute moment where they both talk about how nervous they are and how hard their hearts are beating. I will say that it definitely seems like Ben has a preference for blondes because he seems to have more lively reactions to them, even though the season preview doesn’t make it seem like it’s all blondes at the end. Anyways he seems to genuinely like her.
Caila (software sales rep., a similar job to Ben) breaks off into a little run towards Ben and then jumps into his arms, which he seems to like. He says it’s the “best first impression ever.” When they have one-on-one time she comes across as super vibrant and cute, and he seems to genuinely like her.
It’s immediately clear that Ben is smitten when Olivia (news anchor) gets out of the limo. They have a few minutes of nervous conversation and seem to enjoy each other’s company. She talks about how much she loves to travel and volunteer and generally comes across as a really confident, attractive woman. A nice viewer bonus for Olivia is when the other girls are trying to get her to gossip and she responds “I don’t even know who we’re talking about right now.” Ben gives her the first impression rose.
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