There are few things we can truly count on in life: death, taxes, and the women who inexplicably do not get cut from The Bachelor despite actually being insane. If you’re looking for love — as every bachelor professes he is — a little crazy is good, it keeps things interesting, but a personality identical to someone on hallucinogens does not wife-material make. But this is television and television is a business whose success comes from entertaining it’s audience, and so we assume in an effort to accomplish its goal the producers of The Bachelor play god sometimes and force the bachelor to keep an entertaining, albeit hopeless, candidate around for just a few more episodes than is believable.
This the women of this season seem to have in superabundance.
Without a doubt last night’s episode showcased the difference between the women Farmer Chris is choosing because he can see them becoming Mrs. Farmer Chris one day and the girls the producers need to be on the show so that people like me can write about how depressing and insane they are and we can all let the succubus that is The Bachelor slowly absorb more of our life-force.
Just to give you a little evidence about how well The Bachelor producers know their audience: the show starts off with Farmer Chris talking about how impressed he is by the ladies and how this is the most important thing he will do in his entire life and how these first dates could very well be his first date with his future wife!
And this touching monologue is delivered as a voiceover while we watch him shower.
Now, on to this weeks rankings.
Warning: Crazy Bitches Below
Without a doubt the producers or Farmer Chris or ABC or SOMEONE is receiving some cash money for Ashley S staying on the show because there is no way in hell anyone thinks she’s a good candidate for anything else but bewildering and angering an audience.
This week Ashley goes on the zombie group date and everyone is immediately concerned she’s going to go crazy and shoot the other girls instead of a zombie. She procedes to confirm everyone’s worst fears by running around shooting people at random. Later she stops, mid-sentence to ask “what is that?” filled with complete childlike wonder. The object in question was a candle.
Even Chris admits, “she’s in a different world.”
Let’s just confirm together, as a group, that no one acts like this unless they are on drugs. No one. The producer’s force Chris to give her a rose at the ceremony so we can sit around demanding answers from them. And here we are. WE NEED ANSWERS.
On her first date with a guy she is trying to impress she wears overalls, so she’s clearly on drugs, or something.
From her mousey hair to her known sad-person-profession (dental assistant) to naming her son “kale” to speaking as if she’s at a middle school dance nothing about Kenzie is intriguing or attractive. I submit that Chris’ decision not only to single her out on the first group date, but to give her a rose has to be guided by something other than his heart. (The producers).
Alternate theory: Kenzie tells Chris she has a kid. Chris doesn’t want to be hated by single moms everywhere who assume this is the reason he gets rid of her, so he just gives her another week.
Ashley I describes herself as “more Kardashian than country.” On purpose. She tells the girls she’s virgin and then Kenzie starts aggressively telling her that guys LOOOOOVE it when you’re a virgin (which is just a weird thing to say, and even weirder to be so aggressive about). Whatever. There is zero percent chance she is being honest. Listen, I went to religious school, I know a shit ton of people who were late bloomers or intentional virgins well into their 20’s and there’s nothing wrong with that. But she is not one of them. Some joyless asshole wrote a think piece about how this revelation sets women back. Or sets virgins back? Or sets idiots who believe The Bachelor is a good place to choose your values from back? I couldn’t tell.
At the cocktail party she dresses up in a genie in a bottle costume and takes Chris aside and shows him her (frankly ugly) belly button ring and tells him he has to rub it, which is disgusting. The she forcibly kisses him and everyone felt better about their own kissing skills for being able to see someone who is so obviously terrible at it.
She gets a rose, and I don’t blame Chris or think the producer’s were involved. If I met such a bizarre, weirdly aggressive guy I might keep him around for a bit just to see what he would try to do before I kicked him off.
This week Juelia needs to confess to Chris that not only does she have a daughter, but she named her Arland. And then it gets very real and sad and Juelia tells us she was married to Arland’s father and he killed himself. Legit sadface. This isn’t the kind of thing anyone could easily get over — like, what if you found out the person you were dating was previously married and their spouse killed themselves??? If you were picking between them and a bunch of equally hot, equally cool people, it would be hard to get out of your head.
Still though, tact, so Chris/the producer’s keep Juelia around.
Rumor has it Jillian’s butt is really hairy, which is why ABC had to use a censor bar when she was walking around Chris’ house in her bikini bottom.
At the rose ceremony Chris calls “Juelia” but Jillian thinks he’s calling her name so she not only wrongly goes forward to collect her rose, but almost falls flat on her face while doing so. Honestly, her response was really cute, she laughed it off really well and got her own rose a few moments later. She deserves it for that recovery and the ass-hair rumor, if nothing else.
First of all, Megan is a make-up artist who goes on national television looking like this, so she’s obviously getting a lot of new clients from being on the show:
At the beginning of the episode, Megan and Jillian sneak over to Farmer Chris’ house to snoop around. They discover his motorcycle helmets. Naturally they spend a few minutes putting the helmets on and running head first into the wall, because that’s a totally normal thing people do all the time.
“I’m losing brain cells!” she screams. Finally, someone who’s here for the right reasons.
Next Megan gets a coveted one-on-one date with Chris, only she doesn’t understand what a date card is. Luckily her mensa-candidate-by-comparison roommates are there to explain it to her. She goes on a gorgeous helicopter date with Chris to the grand canyon and he gives her a rose after she talks about her dad’s recent passing.
Not to be a bitch or anything but this season of The Bachelor is starting to become America’s Next Top Pity Party. Enough with the tears people. Those are reserved for your final limo ride down the hill and into obscurity.
Whitney has an awful, awful self-induced baby voice that no one can stand but redeems herself at the cocktail party by giving him his favorite alcohol from back home in Iowa. Of course, she explains the gift in her teeny tiny lil girl voice, but it’s still enough to keep her for another week.
Kaitlyn is going to end up in someone’s think piece if she’s not careful. She tries very, very, very hard to play the part of “the cool girl.” She looks away from Chris instead of at him when they’re talking which means she probably isn’t even attracted to him to begin with. She gets to stay, hopefully her acting skills improve next week.
Britt cries beautifully as she watches Ashley I and Chris make-out. Every woman in America is thinking, “where can I buy those earrings tho.” Britt gets a rose (obviously) and continues to be a legit frontrunner.
Amber wears the MOST adorable dress to the cocktail party and finally kisses Chris, who is kinda a make-out slut by this point. She stays.
Here are some girls you probably didn’t realize were even on the show until they got a rose at the rose ceremony
This is how I feel during the first few episodes of each season when the bachelor or bachelorette calls out the names of people who are clearly contestants, but haven’t had a single second of air time so no one knows they exist. For your information, here are the rest of the girls who are evidently still on the show.
Literally who is this?
I mean I guess I’ve seen this bad hair before?
Another mystery girl.
I have never seen this woman before in my life.
This is that bitch with the karaoke machine and the bad country barbie clothes. I know who she is, I guess I just thought she got eliminated last episode.
Here are the girls who got kicked-off
Kimberly is both incredibly hot and a yoga instructor. She was cut by Chris last episode but walks back into the bachelor mansion to beg him for another chance. It makes sense, I sincerely doubt Kimberly has been rejected by anyone in her entire life, it’s got to be baffling for her. Chris gives her another chance but at the end of the episode he trusts his initial judgment and gives her the boot.
America’s sweetheart! Well, maybe if she hadn’t gotten drunk last episode. I could see the producers pushing for her a little harder in that case because she’s very lovable and I think a lot of women think she’s more of an everyday, “real” woman and would have rooted for Chris to choose her.
Jordan gets drunk and twerks for our entertainment (and spreads rumors about Jillian’s ass). I want to keep her around for the commentary but Chris and the producer’s already have enough charity cases, so she doesn’t get a rose. Next time though, producers, pls keep a funny but tragic girl like Jordan around vs. the actually crazy Ashley S. Thanks!
Alissa is so pretty! But she seems too mild-mannered and normal to have made it far on the show anyway. TTYN.
That’s all for this episode! Next week Jimmy Kimmel (?) is on the show. K.