“Catch up on work/TV”
This is a thing you say to people. You need to catch up on work from the week so you’ll do it from the comfort of your couch while viewing the TV shows you “missed” while you were “busy” during the week. This is not the truth. Or, it is but you will not be doing this tonight. This game is code for what you really want to do: order a pizza and drink wine in front of the TV, watching shows you have already seen and passing out at 9pm.
How Many Cats Can I Look At On The Internet?
For me, this game starts by reading my Tumblr dashboard. Then the LOL tag. Then I am straight up on the “kittens” tag taking screenshots and dropping them into emails to my friends (who are out because, they have a life) with ultra-pathetic captions like “OMG” and “NEED DIS NOWWWW.” Mastery of this game is unlocked when you begin to know the names of “celebrity” cats on the internet and following their personal lives/internet presences.
LOOK AT ALL THE SHIBES
This is similar to “How Many Cats Can I Look At On The Internet?” but you just google image search for shibe/doge memes until you are completely incapable of speaking any kind of English that is not “so LOL,” “such WOW,” or “very laugh.” If you are staying in because you already don’t have any friends, please trust me that no one besides people who spend all day on the internet find this manner of speaking as hilarious as you do.
Top Chef is a game that occurs out of obligation during commercial breaks from catching up on Top Chef. You watch the chefs on the show whip up truffle oil grilled cheese with sauteed portabellas and suddenly you think “I have cheese in my kitchen, I have a frying pan, I could be EATING TRUFFLE GRILLED CHEESE RIGHT NOW AND IT WILL LOOK EXACTLY AS IT DOES ON THE SHOW.” Except 25 minutes later you’re eating a somewhat tasteless, bizarre concoction of things you found in your fridge. Padma does not approve.
Guess who drank all the wine
I know you *think* you only had “like” a glass and a half. But no, it was you. This is a pretty easy, more entertaining, version of Clue if you ask me.
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT KID THAT SAT NEXT TO ME IN THIRD GRADE?
There will come a time during your friday night alone at home that you will get a burning itch that must be scratched–suddenly you’ll get a faint memory of a person you used to vaguely know and you MUST, MUST, MUST aggressively Facebook until you discover they are now married to a kindergarten teacher and live in the suburbs. Whew. Close one. You almost had to live with an ungoogleable mystery for a minute there.
“I’m having so many good ideas right now”
The game is played by writing down what all of your ideas are the minute this phrase escapes your lips. You win if you don’t feel utterly depressed reading it back in the sober light of day.
The objective of the drunk selfie game is to initiate the Drunk Texting The Inappropriate Person game. After drinking and enjoying yourself all night you’re not ready to go to be early as planned after all! You finally run a comb through your hair and make yourself look presentable (and as if you have possible left the house in the last 10 hours). A vague amount of time passes as you position yourself in different settings around your house waiting for the money shot, the one that is sext-able. The advanced level is also uploading to Instagram.
I should have been a stripper…
This is a game where you start listening to new radio hits on Spotify but eventually all you’re really playing is Pour Some Sugar On Me and Cherry Pie while dance-walking around your apartment in a ridiculous sweatpant/bra combination. Bonus points are earned if you have hardwood floors and finish the song by sliding on your knees like a guitarist and violently whipping your hair around.