“Fuck you you stupid cunt bitch. You want to know what I could do to you? You don’t want to know what I’ll do to you. You better shut your fucking mouth.”
“What are you going to do to me, hunny?”
“I would be really fucking careful if I were you. Shut the fuck up and get the hell out of my house.”
As I contemplated how to escape the year long sentence that I personally signed for myself (and paid for), my mind began to wander.. How many others are in my situation?
For a term that literally has the word “verbal” in it, it isn’t spoken of very often. In fact, before my own personal situation, I am not sure I even took it seriously. How could someone ever become subjected to that kind of situation? Why would you ever want to be with a person like that? Why wouldn’t you just leave him? How could that feeling possibly be any better than being alone?
How the hell do you end up in relationship where you are being verbally abused?
It all happened slow. Gradual and subtle at first, but that’s the point. Once you finally realize what you’ve gotten yourself into, you’re too far gone. The avalanche has come and left, and you are still there.. buried among all other creatures that resisted the urge to flee when they should have. You weren’t brave for withstanding the cold, you were foolish and now that you have awoken there is nothing more for you to do than await the search and rescue to attempt to revive what is left of you.
My self esteem dropped to an all time low.
I have never been one to walk around thinking I am the best in all the land, but everyday that I looked into that mirror I loved that person staring back at me. She was kind, beautiful, thoughtful, silly, smart, honest, selfless.. she was the best person that I knew and I loved her unconditionally. I wished for more people were like her in this world, and I wished that she would make a change.
Soon I avoided the mirror like the plague. I hated everything about my appearance, I constantly criticized my body when it didn’t deserve it in fear that I would never live up to the women he spoke so highly of in front of me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything other than wait around for him. I held my tongue in conversation in fear of using a word incorrectly, my take on a situation, or even just speaking would have me called out in front of everyone and deemed “stupid” as any feeling other than his was incorrect, invalid, and deserved to be ridiculed. I was afraid to be left alone though I couldn’t actively entertain anyone that would stay near me because my mind was consistently too busy wondering what I could do to keep him from losing interest in plain ol’ me. I was ashamed that I could no longer bring myself to be there for someone else because I was so feverishly attempting to save myself. The girl who couldn’t keep the smile off of her face, couldn’t seem to find where she misplaced it the night before. I was a different person for no reason and I hated myself.
They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem.
I allowed this.
I remember when he first started introducing me to his friends. He was so incredibly proud to call me his, and I couldn’t imagine being anyone else’s. He made me feel like I was the best thing that had happened to him in so long, and I craved being needed, I craved the undivided attention, I craved his opinion and take on everything.. I craved him.
Eventually his need for me became more and more diminished the more available I made myself until I gave everything I could possibly could provide, only to be left with an insatiable craving for who this man used to be.
I imagined physical abuse was the worst thing that could happen to a person.
But cuts scar, bruises fade, and tears dry. Psychological warfare on the other hand was something I hadn’t prepared myself for. Being convinced that someone has nothing but your best interest in mind, only to be torn apart internally from that very person months later is a feeling that is indescribable. This type of pain doesn’t hurt you temporarily, no. It haunts you for the rest of your relationship and for every relationship after.
How could you ever trust someone again? How can you see yourself becoming vulnerable enough to let someone new in in the future when it is currently taking everything in your power to rebuild this wall for you hide behind? After all, I allowed this. And I sure as hell would never allow it to happen again.
I do not know the path to healing, nor have I understood how things got to be the way that they are but if there is anything I would like to share it is this:
No one in this world, and I mean NO ONE has the right to make you feel like less of a person. Especially not someone that claims to love you.
Remember that the laws of this world were created by one another and are used loosely to attempt to create a world that has repercussions for all of the “wrongdoing”. But honestly, who is ever to really tell you right from wrong when all of our definitions vary?
You are never wrong for being yourself.
And I’d like to personally apologize not only to those made out to feel this way, but to that very girl in the mirror I hate to look at everyday.
I am so very sorry.