I’m Sorry You’re Not The One

I know this is going to be hard for you to understand, but you are not the one for me. If you had told me three years ago that I’d be saying this now I’d have stared at you blankly and told you how impossible that was because when we first started dating my heart would jump at your text, we would talk all night long about our plans for the future together, and I couldn’t get enough of you. Now our conversations exhaust me to the point where I just give up, preferring not to talk in circles all night about things we’ve discussed to death a million times.

It hurts me to do this because I’ve been on your side before, watching helplessly as someone told me that our relationship wouldn’t survive to the next stage. I know right now you don’t believe that this pain will ever go away, that you could ever love someone as much as you love me, but you will, I promise. The truth is I’ve known for longer than I care to admit that we were not meant to be, but I thought with time that feeling would change, and now I know that you can’t change someone into the one you’re suppose to be with even with all the wishing in the world. I feel so ungrateful for throwing this thing we had away. The adventures, the road trips, the holiday memories, it all gets filed into some part of my brain designated for you, in the past but not the future. I’m not wondering if I’m making the right decision because sadly, I know I am. There are no last minute pleas you can make, no guilt you can throw at me that I haven’t already subjected myself too, no space to give me to make me see what I’m missing, everything you’re trying to hold on to is already gone.

It’s not like I planned all this either, even though I know you’ll say I’ve had my bags packed long before my bags were packed. And, for the record, it’s not about some other guy either, no one was a better option for me than you — not yet anyway. I’m sorry I have to ignore all your texts, your voicemails, and your Facebook messages. I’m sorry you have to see any reminder of our time together plastered all over your Instagram taunting you from happier times. I’m sorry that you have to sleep alone thinking of where I use to be, how I use to fit in your arms knowing that won’t happen again. I’ll be honest it won’t be easy for either of us to untangle the life we were building together apart. Going from “in a relationship” to “single” and having everyone know we failed won’t be a walk in the park either, but one day when you find that girl, the real one, the one who really does complete you, you’ll see that everything I’m saying is true even though it’s difficult to grasp that now.

It’s ok to blame me, tell me I’m the devil and that you never loved me anyway, I’m expecting some fallout from all this after all. However, there are a few things I’m not sorry for, like realizing all this before any exchange of vows took place. Like understanding that at 23 I’m too young to be afraid that your the best I’ll ever have. Like knowing deep down that you are simply not the one for me. I don’t mean to be cruel, and I hope that’s not how you see it, I hope you see it as truth because inside you know I’m not the one for you either.

We are both good people – yes, but we value different things, we see the world differently, not in a “perfect balance of one another” type of way, in the “fundamentally different outlooks on life” type of way. Don’t think now though that everything between us was a lie. I loved you as deeply as I said I did and I’m doing this now because we both deserve to be happy… happier than what we have been lately. Sure, I could go on like this for a while longer but why? What would I have to gain by pretending any longer? I won’t disrespect you by telling you I hope we can stay friends, I know that we can’t, but I do hope one day you’ll understand. I’m just sorry that today is not that day, and that you are not the one for me.