Unless you’re blessed enough to live in a rose garden, every time you do the deed isn’t going to be all candlelight and rose petals. Maybe there’s music (to keep your roommates from hearing every detail of your slutty life), and perhaps the lights are turned off (because you forgot to shove everything in the closest like a normal human being, no reason your partner needs to see the graveyard of coffee cups from this week perched up on your windowsill), but that’s about all the creative decor that you can manage without seeming like you planned to have sex — which in any scenario, is pretty creepy after a certain age.
Yes, I went there. I know, I know they are a necessary tool to a safe & healthy sex life but can we just for a second recognize that they are the worst? I mean it’s a giant plastic balloon that feels exactly like a giant plastic balloon in or around your private areas. How is that fun? Of course it’s a small trade-off to not having an unplanned pregnancy or getting an STD, but lets just call a spade a spade and start using our Millennial app-creating, Instagram loving, Facebook stalking brains to figure out another way to have sex that doesn’t include unwrapping something packaged in foil.
3. After Glow?
More like after sweat! Most people are pretty well aware when they’re going to have sex. They might have done their hair, shaved, put on some make-up – for what, so that afterwards you can look like someone who just ran a 5k?! I always to manage to look like I just robbed a bank after sex, my mascara is all runny and my curls, which previously looked sultry and sexy, always end up tangled in huge knots in all over my head. Even guys aren’t immune to this one. I mean unless you were going for that flushed I-just-got-over-mono look, then I take this back and all guys look perfect afterwards.
4. The Clean Up
You know what they never show in movies? They never show how after all the bumping and grinding and male mutual orgasms you eventually have to unwind from each other and clean everything up. Your bed is a mess, there are pillows thrown about, we’ve already covered that you look like a piece of work, and depending on what exactly happened a moist towelette is definitely needed. It’s literally the opposite of romantic. Not to mention, no one looks sexier than when they’re frantically searching around the room in search of their underwear. (said no one ever).
5. Post Coital Confusion
If you’re lucky enough not to fall right asleep or have to run out to your awaiting taxi (RIP college days) you’re going to end up laying in bed with his person (that you hopefully like, come on people), staring at the ceilingthinking about what just happened. Let’s not make this a sexist female thing, we all do it – naturally our hormones are all over the place and we’re trying to process whether we feel good or bad about what just transpired. If you’re mature and trust the person your with, this is usually the best time to talk and laugh and cuddle. Which is kind of amazing, but alas is still usually a time reserved for one thing – feelings. The sucky part of #feelings, of course, is that the feelings you have for a person right after sex may not the best indicator of where — or if — the relationship is going somewhere. Side effects of PCC include but are not limited to: word vomit, excessive talking about your feels, premature confessions of love, invites to meet the parents, overall awkwardness, and poorly timed break-ups. BTW’s I made this phrase up, you’re welcome.