Charlotte Green

I don’t care if he’s bringing home the foreskin. I don’t care about any of this because we are not obsessed as a culture with making sure men’s bits look like something made for a Bratz doll.

Overhearing incredibly thin girls talk about how fat they feel, even though you are clearly twice their size and within earshot.

Because I’m afraid you’ll ask me for the sweater back which I have strategically stolen. But you can’t be mad at me for this; it fits perfectly and keeps me extremely warm on the semi-frequent nights where my heater doesn’t work.

Do not force them to engage in constant activities which you believe will make them a more “well-rounded” person.

You constantly bum cigarettes off of people while out drinking yet claim that you “don’t smoke.”

I was not lucky to have you. I was not chosen by some divine spirit who looked past my physical flaws to gift me with your half-hearted attention.

You’ve gotten to the point where you only expect a couple of them to really participate, and have stopped trying to convince the rest that it would mean a lot to you if they came.

When I’m ordering food and cuddling up with a movie…

I have had several sexual partners in my life, but I won’t tell you how many, because it doesn’t matter.

It’s not that you’re sad. In fact, you’re happier than you’ve been in recent memory. You’re just not interested in doing things socially just for the sake of doing them.

Who allows ten messages to go unanswered — a month of silence to stretch on — and still be excited when the other person finally decides to respond? I did.

The thing about gossip is, no matter how much you enjoy it in the moment (and we all kind of have our ugly moments of saying something nasty about someone that we wouldn’t say to their faces), you know it is probably happening behind your back, too.