What To Do When A Guy Is Bad In Bed

Do not fake your orgasm. Don’t do it. Even if you think that it will make everything end on a much higher note, that it will somehow affirm all of his misguided-if-earnest hard work. Remember that a huge part of sex is learning, and we were all bad once, and there is nothing that a sexual novice needs in bed less than another faked orgasm which gives him confirmation that what he was doing was right and appropriate. (With perhaps an inkling of doubt in the back of his mind which asks him, over and over, if that might have been less than sincere.)

After all, maybe he isn’t such an amateur. Maybe you are one in a long list of conquests, and the only way he was able to have been with so many partners and still come out with such a shallow knowledge of female pleasure was from a thousand half-hearted kisses after an effectively faked orgasm. Some people are just new sexually, but some people are molded into a poor imitation of what it means to be good and attentive over a long period of time. If the thrusting becomes so mundane as to render you completely numb, perhaps your only thought is to make it stop as quickly as possible. Pretend to reach that summit, so he can scale back down the mountain.

Years of this, many different beds of this, they create someone who is not only bad, but confident in his badness.

We owe it to each other to be honest sexually, but I know it’s hard. We’ve been taught over and over not to effectively communicate what we want in bed. We have whole generations of women who are afraid to let a man — an eager man, at that — give her oral sex. She is ashamed of her body, of her hair, of her very normal state of imperfection. She has learned to hide herself in every way she can, and to never ask for the kind of pleasure that she may, if lucky, have mastered by her own hand. She accepts sex as simply a part of life that must be attended to, something that might provide a bit of precious intimacy at the cost of an awkward few minutes of clumsy touch.

But there is nothing wrong with saying what you want. You must say it. You must take that man — that man who assumes that the best way to a woman’s orgasm is through the indiscriminate pouding of pornography — in your arms. You must show him what parts of your body need touching, how to best navigate all of the more complicated pieces of anatomy. There is no moment at which it’s too late to learn, and faking your orgasm is stitching over a great canyon of misunderstanding with a few thin pieces of thread.

He will want to be better. His worst nightmare is the pointed gossip laced with notes of mocking pity that will come up over dinner with a girlfriend. The exchanging of horror stories, of how bad one man could be at an act which should be as natural and as obvious as breathing. No one wants to be the butt of a joke, or the reason why you had to pretend to enjoy your experience. No one wants to imagine their efforts being used later as a kind of currency in bonding with girlfriends, a relief that all of us are all getting our share of bad sex.

Let that bad sex stop with you. Don’t foster it in your exaggerated cries of pleasure. Be the woman who was not afraid to ask for what she wanted, or correct a move that was clearly intended to be so much more. And perhaps, if it ends for other, more uncontrollable reasons, you will pass him on a better man. He will be a man who understands what it means to achieve orgasm as a woman, and to enjoy every aspect of the sexual experience. Teach him. It’s not just for selfish fulfillment, it’s for the betterment of society. TC mark

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image – Mr Grau 2010

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