You’re going to sit back and give yourself a million reasons why you shouldn’t. You’re going to create an entire storyline in your head about how you turn in to touch him and he pulls back unexpectedly, how you’re going to look more foolish than you already do by revealing exactly how much you want him. But he already knows you want him, and so do you. And the only thing that will definitely happen if you don’t kiss him is that you’ll go home just as disappointed as you always do.
Someone once told you that you should wait for him to make the first move, that it was the appropriate thing to do, and a sure way not to get your heart broken. And you listened to that, you listened and accepted for far too long, because your heart has already been broken. It has been broken every day that you see him out with friends and have to pretend like every extremity in your body isn’t burning to touch him. Your heart is broken in a slower, more unbearable way because you have to watch each thread of it come undone and be unable to find the courage to stop it.
What are you really afraid of, when you think of it?
Is this vague promise of rejection really that much more terrifying than never even trying? Yes, perhaps. When we risk nothing, we can always pretend as though tomorrow might bring the things we’ve been looking for. One day, we’ll kiss him, and then it will all work out. As long as there hasn’t been a “no,” there can always be a hope for a “yes,” even if we’re never brave enough to ask for it. We can convince ourselves that there is something wonderful just around the corner, no matter how many actual corners we actually keep turning.
How many days do you let stack up, one on top of the other, never trying? How many years do they become before you even realize you still haven’t tried anything? Is it more embarrassing or disappointing? At a certain point, every time you see him becomes a quiet insult that only you can hear — look at how weak you are, how nervous, how incapable of going for what you want. Maybe he hasn’t made the first move because he doesn’t want you. Maybe he’s secretly in love and just as nervous as you. But maybe none of it matters as long as you aren’t willing to try.
Kiss him. Pull him towards you when the two of you are sitting in his car, both staring out of the windshield as though there is something interesting about the parking lot you’re looking into. Cut that stifling silence with the sound of your body pressing against him, and take all of the risk into your hand when you touch him. Know that he might say no. Know that it might have all been a misunderstanding, and you’ll have to walk home even more crushed than you were every other night where you didn’t go for it. But know that the possibility that he kisses you back — that he pulls you into him just as you always stayed up dreaming that he would — is worth every moment of that fear.