I have a folder hidden deep within the bowels of my computer. Within this folder is roughly 10GB of photos saved from attractive friends’ Facebook pages.
I have it organized with sub folders for each friend. Sometimes I toy with the idea of deleting it so as to bury this dark secret.
I plan out futures with guys I either barely know or have small attractions to. It’s extremely creepy, but eye opening.
I found out that, were I to marry my best friend’s brother, the marriage would dissolve into a loveless marriage of convenience with the occasional anger/pity fuck thrown in. He’d definitely be an alcoholic, I’d probably be hopped up on whatever pills I can scrape out of my pharmacy job, most likely Adderall or something else for ADHD. We’d have two very fucked over children who be both would care about immensely. Behind each others’ backs we’d try and win the kids over, to no avail as they hate their scumbag parents and are just biding their time until they hit the magical one-eight.
I talk to myself, a lot. I move my mouth but only whisper. Portraying a scene in my head and speaking the dialogue between me and another person. It’s not just one of those “what I should have said in yesterday’s argument” But just what-ifs and maybes of the future. I mumble all the time, sometimes i smile because of what im thinking about. Sometimes i grit my teeth in anger. iIf anyone ever saw me, I’d be worried they’ll think I’m mentally Ill or something.
Edit: wow I’m so relieved that I’m not the only one! For the longest time I thought I was just crazy But It’s nice to know I’m not alone!
I’m so glad you wrote this, because I do the same exact thing! I never knew if other people did similar things. I have a few special scenarios that I “re-simulate” in this manner every few months, often involving other people I know and sometimes with hypothetical characters (though I usually create random scenarios and exhibit this behavior almost daily). I pace around my apartment when no one else is home (or after everyone else has gone to sleep) and pause to stare out the window for a few minutes while continuing the “mental simulation,” speaking under my breath and sometimes out loud, responding to imaginary conversations with imaginary people. I may imagine some bizarre hypothetical scenario with 2-3 people who are in my apartment with me, usually friends, teachers, professors or “celebrities,” and I play-out the scenario as if they were all there and responding to me.
I have been caught a few times; my girlfriend asked me who I was talking to one day in the bathroom… I told her I was singing a song that was stuck in my head, but idk if she bought it. I have never told anyone about this because I never thought that other people would understand, especially if I failed to adequately explain the “activity” and left them feeling concerned for me or otherwise think less of me.
I wonder how many people do this sort of thing, and what kind of insight it could provide into the development of the mind / brain / personality of those who do. Are you introverted by chance? Stay up late and enjoy time at night? Recharge by being alone, but still enjoy company and occasionally being the center of attention (but never for too long)?
EDIT: for those of you wondering, this is commonly referred to as Maladaptive Daydreaming and has been studied quite a bite. Here is one such example where the situation, diagnosis, and treatment are well-described:
I live by an elementary school and I like to stare out the window looking for MILFS. I swear it’s the moms I’m looking at, not children. I’m a creep, not a pedo.
I masturbate to friends’ Facebook pictures.
I am very nosy. I check the local court websites to see if people I know are in any trouble or have tickets. I also over analyze peoples twitter and facebooks if I do not like them and wish for their down fall. Bottom line keep your social networking shit private, be careful what you post, do not get traffic ticket or get arrested because I am an internet creep.
When I’m in the shower I windmill/helicopter my dick and watch the water fly off of it, I’ve gotten quite good at it too.
I fart in my friend’s office whenever he’s not there. I think he might do the same thing to me though. We’ve never caught each in the act, but I’ve witnessed some funny aftermaths.
When faced with any moderately difficult or complex decision, i like to split myself into 3 people in my head. The 3 people generally form brain, heart and penis. Or the thinker, the feeler and the dick
Then they have a council meeting and discuss courses of action. Brain usually comes up with the most logical answer, though without regard to how people would feel about it or how it will affect anyone who isnt directly involved. Heart does the opposite and finds what will make people feel the best without regard to what may be most effective. Dick finds out what would be funny / entertaining and the most self-serving solution. they argue and present their solutions.
I then use their arguments to make my overall decision.
11. Cousin crush.
Hands down for me it would be the fact that I sleep every night hugging my (male) cousin’s t-shirt I stole from his room when I stayed with his family last summer. And yes, it’s not just because it smells nice, I’ve always had a weird-ass crush on him. To be fair, though, he’s not actually blood related, he’s a step cousin.
When I was little I often had a problem with pooping my pants. Peeing was no problem. But the pooping always snuck up on me. My dad would get super mad when it happened.
So, being a little kid, I started holding it in as long as possible. Eventually I started stopping it all together.
And to this day I can hold my poop in, and sometimes have to in situations. Growing up it almost became a habit. I would poop maybe once a week. I went a full month one time.
13. Horse porn.
I’m a gay male, normal, boyish, smart, mid 20’s, attractive… who has (about 2 or 3 times) watched (and got off to) petite females being fucked by a horse. And I don’t mean horse hung men (petite women and horse hung men is normal for me) I’m talking the majestic stallion. It’s not an attraction to horses, or animals at all, it’s the sheer brutality, size and force.
14. Daily facial.
I masturbate upside down so I can cum on my face.
15. Social paranoia.
My mind drifts to fucked up things when I socialize with people… for instance I might think of smashing a plate or glass over someone’s head or spitting in someone’s face for no reason at all… I don’t think I’m a sociopath or psycho, I think its more to do with thinking that they are thinking something negative about me …
16. Public pressure.
Sometimes if I need to pee, I can cross my legs in a way that makes all the pressure push against my clitoris. I bring myself to orgasm doing this in public places while making eye contact with strangers.
As a sexual thing, I’ll wake up some days and my girlfriend will tell me to wear a pair of her panties for the day. Doesn’t happen every day, but it happens occasionally, and yes, I would be mortified if friends/family found out.
This’ll be buried so not gonna bother with a throwaway. I spend my nights lying awake planning my death (not necessarily by suicide, just an accident or something) and how it would affect the people around me. For instance, imagining the way my best friends would react and my distant friends and my ex boyfriend and how their lives would change. I sometimes make lists of my possessions and who I would bequeath them to. I plan who would take over my duties in work a lot, as well.
Once this is tired, I then think about what I would do if someone I knew died and plan how I would try and continue without them, and what I would wear to their funerals, and how often I would visit their graves and the things I’d say to them, and think about whether or not life would be worth living without this person, and if not, I then return to the beginning and plan my own death. In the case of close friends and family I try and force myself to remember every detail they’ve ever told me about their funeral wishes and how I would execute these if I had to. I think of the taxi numbers I would call to get me to and from the hospital, little insignificant things.
I think I’m just a bit of an imagination-attention seeker?
I’m pretty strong. Not like super strong, but stronger than most people.
Everytime I’m in a line, I wonder how many people I could murder with my bare hands. It’s not a simple thought, but a daydream where I choreograph my ruthless murdering to the finest detail. After many years of these thoughts, I think I’ve come up with a pretty good way of doing it. I would quickly grap the neck of the person in front of me and break her windpipe. When she’s gasping for air and everyone is wondering what’s wrong, I’ll say “SHE’S HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION!” then point at the weakest person in the line and tell her to call an ambulance. While everyone is focused on the dying girl whose windpipe I just broke, I’ll do the same to the girl calling the ambulance and hide her behind the counter. Then I’ll to the same to the person that’s behind everyone looking at the first girl, then the next, and the next until I’m discovered. Then I have to change tactics but I’m not too sure about how I would handle myself in a fight since I’ve almost never gotten into one.
EDIT: This is not something I want to bring to reality, I’m just wondering about it like I often think about weird sex without actually wanting to try it.