It wasn’t too long ago that I was walking down the street when a young “gentleman” tried to get my attention to engage in what could’ve only been a very intellectually stimulating conversation by grabbing my hand and winking. I turned around, utterly disgusted, and asked on what planet was it EVER okay to grab a stranger’s hand in hopes of gaining their attention before scoffing. His reply? “Well you don’t have to be a bitch about it.”
And you know what? Maybe this guy was right and I didn’t have to be “bitchy” in my response to his gross invasion of privacy and unwanted advance. So I’ve come up with a couple of tips that if followed, will prevent anyone from ever being called a bitch again.
1. ALWAYS SUCCUMB TO DISRESPECTFUL CATCALLERS
This ties in with the story I just shared with you. If a catcaller ever approaches you and they make it obvious that they “don’t care if you have a boyfriend” and/or “just want to be friends,” they’re 100% telling the truth so just give them a chance! Even though they probably truncated your entire existence into a singular body part by addressing you in a manner such as: “Hey girl with the fat ass/nice chest/good shape!” they’re still young men who clearly respect you so much and you shouldn’t reject them. Only bitches turn guys like that down, so don’t be bitch– just take the time out of your day to humor these beings. You won’t regret it, I promise.
Extra Credit Tip: If for whatever reason you do turn them down and they become aggressively persistent in attempting to sweep you off your feet, apologize immediately. Say you’re sorry for not wanting anything to do with these types of people because you actually have self-respect. I guarantee they’ll forgive you and you two will probably be super happy together. #relationshipgoals!
2. ONLY SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO BUT NEVER VOICE YOUR OPINIONS
I’m sure your parents told you this over and over as child. Well this saying isn’t just for rude and nosy children; you should repeat this in your head every day well into adulthood, because you know who always has something to say? Bitches. They’re so opinionated and absolutely LOVE sharing their thoughts and feelings with others even when they weren’t asked. It’s actually rather annoying (at least that’s what my friends’ ex told her once during an argument, and I truly think this stellar human being was really on to something.) “I think we should”, “How about we”, “Let’s try this…” are all beginnings of statements that bitches use so you should probably stop using them.
Extra Credit Tip: Apply this rule especially in a work setting. Don’t you dare speak up during meetings or conference calls to share your opinions. If a coworker asks you for your view on a matter or how to go about achieving a certain company goal, tell them you don’t know then ask what THEY think. Then agree with whatever they say. If you’re assertive with your thoughts and beliefs and such, you’ll just be branded with a capital ‘B’ on your chest and it won’t be because you’re “’Bout that life” like Queen Bey, it’ll be because you’re a Bitch and that’s what you’ll be known as for the remainder of your professional career. You don’t want that.
3. DON’T DEMAND THINGS — ASK FOR THEM NICELY
If you’ve been working at a certain place for too long and you know that you’re way past deserving of a raise, just wait for a bit more. I mean, you’ve waited for 6 years; it won’t hurt to wait a little while longer, right? If you’re growing a little impatient, just write a cute note laden with “please” and quietly slide it under your boss’ door. Eventually, they’ll get the hint and you’ll get that raise, girl!
Extra Credit Tip: Apply this rule when what you’re looking for is respect. Remember that saying “respect is earned, not given?” Well it’s actually “if you want respect, just ask for it really nicely and you’ll get it from everyone. If you go around demanding it because you deserve it, you’ll be a bitch.” #truestory
***Orrrr, you can just realize that society’s expectations are unreasonable and tell anyone who tries to control the way you act by discouraging your exercise of your free will to suck it.