1. Netflix reviewer. Yes, this career consists of nothing more than watching excessive amounts of Netflix on a couch. Appropriate work attire would include some form of soft pants. Shirts aren’t required but if you insist on wearing one, a loose and comfy fit would be recommended. The workload would basically be to conquer various movies and television series’ in their entirety, then talk about it to friends, family or just whoever is willing to stand there and listen to you. Anything works; a Tweet recommending season 1 of Workaholics or aggressively panhandling people outside of Walmart for a moment of their time so you can describe the mixed emotions Lincoln Lawyer made you feel.
2. Facebook relationship snooper. You’re essentially a private investigator over the Internet, for people who don’t trust their significant other. That means digging up dirt on and fully exposing shady boyfriends and suspect girlfriends by scouring their Facebooks, and the Facebooks of anyone even slightly associated with them. I mean, we’re all capable of tracking down borderline strangers and finding out information by doing a little social network detective stuff, but as a full-time job we’d master the craft. The most underappreciated aspect of this career? The amount of craziness and plot twists we’d see on a daily basis would be so entertaining. Paid in drama more so than dollars.
3. Text message interpreter. Your client’s crush mysteriously responded to their “hey, how r u?” text with a baffling “good n u?” Now it is you, the text message whisperer, who must crack that underlying code. What does the responder’s use of all lowercase letters mean? Why didn’t he/she take the time to write out “and you?” instead of “n u?” It’d be your job to read between the lines, acronyms and abbreviations of text messages with a heavy dose of over speculation, scrutinizing, and creating preposterous theories from the perspective of someone on the outside looking in, with no actual feelings attached.
4. Witty YouTuber. Basically you’d just watch YouTube videos and be funny enough to get thumbs ups and be the top commenter. Seriously, some of these clever remarks make me believe there are undiscovered comedians out there, wasting their talents on viral video shenanigans. Imagine if these cunning folks could showcase their genius for a living – the top YouTube comments would be more competitive and get even funnier. Part of this job’s duties would also include silencing trolls by deleting their obnoxious statements or calling them out so their stupidity is on full display.
5. Porn critic. You know how a food critic goes to restaurants and tries different dishes, then gives their opinion, evaluating the experience in great detail? Well, XXX websites are your restaurants and the video content at said sites are your appetizers, main courses and desserts. rotating. I’m fairly certain this type of thing actually exists, but I’m not sure how lubricated – oops, I mean lucrative this gig would be.
6. Person who puts deep quotes on top of pictures of sunsets for and stuff. Just search the web for some love quotes to place on pictures of hearts and kissing teens, some motivational quotes on top of a picture of someone’s nice, lunge & squat crafted butt, some Marilyn Monroe quotes that Marilyn Monroe never actually said on top of images of (you guessed it) Marilyn Monroe, some funny quotes for you to place on top of pictures of random comedians and boom! That’s your job. It’s basically all about being the oil that keeps the Tumblr wheel rotating.