1. You’re actually considering buying something from an infomercial. When that Hip Hop Abs advertisement take catches you in the wrong state of mind, it leads your brain to say things like Hmm, I want nice abs – and I think I could perform that routine. Hell, I better be able to tilt, tighten and tuck after making three “easy” payments of 30-something bucks.
2. Facebook is completely dead and the same statuses have decorated the top of the page like tumbleweeds, as you’ve seen them 25 times in the past half hour because you keep revisiting the social network subconsciously.
3. Australians are the only folks active online — especially on Tumblr.
4. You’re thoroughly enjoying a show that typically can’t hold your interest. For example, any time The George Lopez Show makes me laugh, I slap myself and go to bed, because clearly I’m not thinking straight.
5. McDonalds is about to start serving breakfast. Mmmm, McGriddles.
6. There’s something unhealthy in the kitchen that’s calling your name, and it’s about to be savagely devoured in its entirety because you have zero self-control. The only thing capable of stopping you is a deep sleep. If I had a nickel for every red velvet cake that’s forced me to call it a night so that I won’t eat it, I’d have enough for a McGriddle.
7. You haven’t had any drinks, but you’ve got the decision-making skills of an underage spring breaker throwing back shots of tequila. You want to text your ex. You want to call your friend. You want to take a picture with your tongue out and put it on Instagram. You want to eat a burrito. You want bikinis and big booties y’all, that’s what life is about. Spring breakers and the sleep deprived are operating on the same illogical logic.
8. All kinds of random worst-case scenarios are playing through your head. What if this 4 AM McGriddle I’m stuffing my face with gives me a heart attack and I die here, alone? And then when they collect my belongings, Mom takes my laptop and guesses the right password giving her access to my web habits, which, on the surface look bad, but upon closer assessment are the worst.
9. You are responding to incoming text messages on autopilot. Your eyes are 97% closed as you tap away at your phone, aiming fingers to land in the vicinity of particular letters, leading to gibberish texts. Tell that person you’ve got to go or don’t respond, they’ll understand that a lot easier than your misspelled, accidental emoticon filled blabbering.
10. Mild hallucinations are setting in. Did my puppy just mumble something about Cee Lo Green’s tiny hands and smile with a full set of human teeth?
11. You’re yawning a lot and morning breath is kicking in.
12. You’ve got to wake up in three hours for a shift that’s going to be eight hours long. This is always a bad situation. You wouldn’t attempt to drive 140 miles across town on a half tank of gas, but you’ll push your unfueled body to exhaustion? Some sleep is in order.
13. You were awake before your alarm rang, and when it goes off, the ever loving crap is scared right out of you by its blaring noise.
14. Websites are down for maintenance because they assume at this time, no normal individual is going to be visiting them.
15. Your laptop is on the brink of death/died and you’re too lazy to get up and plug the charger in. Let’s be honest, this is how the majority of weeknights end.
16. A movie that you’re a fan of is about to come on and if it starts, you won’t be able to walk away from it. If you need sleep soon, TBS and FX ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. They will play movies, and you will find yourself watching Mr. Deeds at 3 AM.
17. You thought about ghosts. I mean, you’re kind of screwed if this happens, because you’re going to have a hard time dozing off comfortably with the thought of Toby (the entity) from Paranormal Activity grabbing you by the ankles and dragging you out of bed. But hey, don’t sit up and think of more horrifying scenarios, the sooner you’re secure under the covers, the better.