1. See via Facebook/Twitter that they’re at Baskin Robbins and develop a sudden taste for a sweet, icy treat of your own. Take a trip there to “run into” them. Get the scoop, then get two scoops… on a waffle cone.
2. Practice a Taylor Swift-esque “surprised” face in the rear-view mirror on the way to Baskin Robbins.
3. Picture yourself together with them one day. Like a wishful psychic having visions of the future you want. It’s you and your crush on a balcony overlooking some beautiful city. You’re in their warm embrace as you watch the sunrise and the birds fly by. That’s so raven.
4. Stare at their perfect, mouth and beautiful face for 45 minutes to every 3 words you actually speak to them in real life.
5. GO to the place that’s a little out of your way because you know that he/she frequents it. If you’re driving to the third or fourth nearest listing on the store locator and it’s 10 minutes further, don’t be ashamed. It’s actually romantic – like one of those “I would cross the ocean for you” type deals.
6. Freak out when you like one of their Facebook statuses and realize that it was from 2008. Yep that’s right, you scrolled through four years of their life. But hey, with the whole Timeline feature it probably only took 20-30 minutes to get there. Hopefully they’ll consider that when deciding on the distance that restraining order will enforce.
7. Feel a hint of jealousy when someone else flirts with your crush. DAMN IT, BACK OFF! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M IN THE PROCESS OF MUSTERING UP THE COURAGE TO FLIRT WITH HER ANY DAY NOW, BRO?!
8. Do research on their exes to get an idea of what they like, but also what they don’t like enough to keep around.
9. Spend entirely too long evaluating every text you send to them. The lengthy response time might make it appear that I’m busy, but I actually just spent the past 25 minutes rearranging the same six words to find the combination that really accentuates my feelings… Yeah.
10. Spend entirely too long evaluating every text from them to you. Hmm, what did he really mean by “Good, how’ve u been?” Furrow your brow and stare at it like it’s written in Wingdings, until you create a farfetched hypothetical idea of what it means.
11. Practice what you’d say or do if you were with them. It’s basically an improve class with an imaginary version of them.
12. Learn about their obscure interests that you’d normally care nothing about. (This is how 97% of curling fans came to be.)
13. Buy the red sweater that you don’t like as much as the blue sweater because two years ago you heard him/her say they like the color red.
14. Create an entire personality that only appears when they’re around. This alter ego is usually cool, calm, collected — and in your mind, speaks with a British accent. At least that’s how mine works.
15. Google ‘em. End up on page 7 of the search results before you feel dirty and hastily close those tabs.
16. Stalk their current boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook and nitpick like, that’s who she dates? His mustache is stupid and he comments #POW on all of her Facebook pictures. Also he bought a Zune. F-ck that guy.
17. Realize that you’re doing some fairly creepy things; take a step back and say, maybe I should stop?
18. Realize HA! – who are you kidding? You’re not gonna stop! Besides you’re already halfway to Baskin Robbins, convince yourself that he/she would be flattered if your slightly stalker-ish tendencies were ever actually revealed. Proceed as you were.