1. If you enter and go to order a drink first, the good seats will be taken while you’re in line. If you make getting seated your priority, a long line will form in the mere seconds you took to grab a chair.
2. Employees will know you by name, which is cool and all, but now you can’t do the fun thing where you give an alias for your order.
3. You discover ALL of the possible spelling variations of your name – even the ones those make absolutely no sense. e.g. Chris. Cris. Khris. Kris. ©hryss. Čuhriss. Etc.
4. Struggle with what size to ask for when ordering. Do I risk feeling stupid and play into their silly listings by saying ‘Venti’ or come off as a douche-y rebel and just say large? It’s lose-lose, really.
5. When you drop a tip in the holder, none of the employees will be looking which is frustrating because you want them to know that your hours of Wi-Fi consumption are at least defendable.
6. If you have less than 40% battery life on your laptop, all of the seats near electricity outlets will be occupied by people who have no need for ’em.
7. You’ll be caught in the background of 1-25 pictures of people’s coffee. Don’t worry, it’ll run through an Instagram filter, which could even make a pile of dog sh-t look magical.
8. A creepy, often times perverted individual will sit somewhere – probably in a corner, and scan the place creepily. He might hit on underage baristas and you’ll avoid eye contact, but he’ll try to engage you in conversation at some point.
9. Some out of control kid who is in need of ANYTHING but caffeine will run around and make noise. Their parents don’t care or think it’s adorable, so you might flash an angry look to silently discipline ’em.
10. Much like alcohol, Starbucks beverages will send you to the restroom quickly. Once you break the seal, be prepared to take coffee scented pees every 15 minutes.
11. A barista will sweep around your table and feet as if all of the world’s crumbs and straw wrappers are in your personal area.
12. You’ll wonder if they’re sweeping specifically around you to try shooing you away since they think you’re a non-tipping, Wi-Fi mooch.
13. Someone very friendly will start a pleasant conversation, then ruin it by pitching a “marketing opportunity” to you. Don’t give them $600 to get certified in blah, blah, blah – it’s most definitely a pyramid scheme.
14. See, right before your eyes, two people meeting for the first time. It may be a blind date or internet lovers having their Catfish moment, but you get to witness the awkward, anxious first meeting from the front row.
15. There’ll come a time in which your taste buds will ignore and defy the weather, leading to you ordering iced drinks during the winter and hot beverages in the summer on numerous occasions.