1. The Exaggerator
Ohhh, the exaggerator. They say things like: Getting ready! Last night was WILD & CRAZY! Round 2, tonite!!!!
Really, was it? That’s how you’d describe crying in your margarita at Chili’s while you repeatedly wrote out, edited then erased a five-page-long text to your ex? We get it, you want your former lover to feel shitty, or at the very least, know that you’re doing peachy, but writing overly enthusiastic statuses will blow your sad cover.
You know those dudes who drive big, loud trucks really aggressively? Yeah, they’re usually overcompensating for something. Writing super happy statuses on social networks with lots of CAPS and excessive exclamation points, taking pictures of yourself with cheesy smiles – that’s the equivalent of revving up your Chevy and peeling out of a grocery store parking lot in the hopes that the group of loitering teens will be impressed.
2. The Bitter Basher
Despite the fact that you consciously decided to spend a period of your life exclusively involved with this person, they are now the most horrible scum of the universe. Your ex is a puppy abusing, sunny-day-hating, Chris Brown sympathizer and you’re hell-bent on letting everyone know.
Even if they were/are that bad, you’ll probably look back and regret your social network tirades and constant bashing one day. Everyone’s been at that point where they’d love to blackball a crappy ex, but many think better of it and bite their tongue. Give yourself about a month long grace period after the break up. If four weeks have passed and you’d still like to throw stones — have at it. Just know that it won’t look any less classless.
3. The Complete Mess
You’ve been wearing a ravioli stained shirt that you obtained for free at a beer festival in 2009, along with battered sweatpants for the past couple days, and you’ve got no intention of changing. Your place is littered with boxes of partially eaten, delivery food which, mixed with your 56-hour-showerless body, creates an aroma that smells like hate. There’s something about a tough breakup that makes things like shaving, going out in public and general body maintenance seem so overrated.
You do things like listen to Fix You by Coldplay while skimming through pictures of your ex. Pretty much anything can be a reminder of them, so for a while you hate everything. You hate when Allstate commercials come on because she used to love laughing at the ‘Mayhem’ man. You hate when your phone vibrates because those buzzes used to be him. There’s nothing wrong with a recovery period that consists of crying loudly in the fetal position, watching absurd amounts of TV in dimly lit rooms and being the prime enforcer of your super sad mood. Sometimes it helps to be miserable for a bit as long as you keep in mind that eventually life’s got to move on.
4. Gender Hater
So your ex was an Official Representative of their entire gender, and now you know precisely how all the rest of ‘em are? Well that’s fortunate!
This person will now live as if they’ve dated all of the women/men in the world and it didn’t work out. There’s a big difference between being guarded because of past experiences and completely shutting down the operation. It makes sense to handle things based on what you’ve gone through so that history doesn’t repeat itself, however, if you expect the worst in people and refuse to give the next girl/guy the benefit of the doubt, don’t be surprised when that newfound singleness lasts for an extended period.
5. The Hopeless One
Pretty much everyone has either been this person or assisted a friend who went through this phase and man, it’s brutal. You feel like you should invest in body pillows and some type of four-legged pet because you’re about to be I Am Legend-lonely. When you’re freshly removed from a breakup, the last thing you want to do is start from scratch and get to know someone all over again. It just sounds like so much trouble. Learning this new person’s favorite color, birth date, pet peeves, likes, dislikes, etc.? It feels like a long way to go, especially considering the fact that you haven’t even met that new person and have no idea when/if you ever will.
Imagine this: You have to run 20 miles straight. You just ran 5 or 6, which took a lot of freakin’ work and energy to do in itself. Then you stopped. That means you must start your 20 miles over, but you don’t even know when or if you’ll ever get back to the track. Now you debate if you should even keep your running shoes on because it could be a while.
While it may feel like the worst, your breakup doesn’t mean that you’re condemned to being forever alone. It’s just hard to see that you’re going to be fine when your heart is recently broken. But when the right person comes along, that getting to know each other stuff moves flies – and you can run those miles hastily without even realizing it.
6. The Person Who Forgot There’s A Whole World And Stuff
Talking to a person all day, falling asleep and waking up next to them – that’s all gravy. In fact, that’s just what it is – gravy. They weren’t your entire life; they were the special, yummy sauce on top. Yes, that means that in this example, the rest of the world is a heaping pile of delicious mashed potatoes. Relationships are a part of life so by making it your entire livelihood, you set yourself up for a very hard fall. When life hands you potatoes, peel and mash those bitches into the most scrumptious side dish ever, even without the gravy.
7. The Best Friend Of Their Ex’s Exes (Your Former Enemies)
What’s better than someone who hates what you hate?! So often people who dated the same girl/guy unite, creating a clique that’s defined and united by their disliking of that person. It’s funny because a few months ago you clenched your fist when your ex’s ex popped up on Facebook’s ‘People You May Know,’ — but now? Oh, he/she’s not so bad. You guys get Starbucks and talk about how shitty of a companion your ex was. If you’re the one whose exes are now besties, it’s slightly awkward and legitimately terrifying. It’s one thing to have enemies, but when those nemeses unite as allies, well that’s when bad movie plots (*cough* John Tucker Must Die) come alive.
8. The Friendship Rekindle-er
Hey everyone, remember me?! We were good friends until I got involved in a relationship and fell off of the face of the earth. Don’t think of it as me abandoning y’all, I was just too busy to text, call, respond or let you know I was still breathing.
Now that they don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend to spend every waking moment with, they’d like you back, friend. And they don’t just want to hang, they want you to open your ears as they pour their heart out, venting constantly and describing in great detail, what went wrong with their relationship. It’s natural to spend less time with friends when you’ve got a serious thing going on, but completely neglecting friendships is never a good idea, especially when that love connection doesn’t pan out.
9. The Crazy Person
Sometimes a person doesn’t handle the breakup well, resulting in a meltdown full of irrational (sometime scary) actions. Driving by your ex’s house, calling and hanging up, sending texts that aren’t being responded to with fluctuating tones — for example: