1. The professional asshole
Whether it be an off-duty instructor or an actual Juilliard grad, this person has been professionally trained and they make everyone else look incompetent. I typically have 1-2 of these in every one of my Zumba classes, and they’re essentially just there to boost their ego. Yes, we all know you have moves like Jagger and are infinitely better than all of us earthlings, but we’re just here to get a workout in so please go to the set of Step Up 5 or wherever you belong and leave us be.
2. The overzealous front-rower
This person that spends 50% of her income on overpriced workout clothes, gets to class a half hour early, and is convinced she is BFF with the instructor. You can find her going to every single Zumba class that’s offered and you wonder if she has a job or, for that matter, a life. She spends time before and after class giving you unsolicited advice on which instructors are the best/most fun and which style of Lululemon workout pants are her favorite. I typically respond with “thanks Workout Barbie, but I’m just fine over here in my reasonably priced running shoes and soccer t-shirt from 2004, now leave me alone.”
In severe cases, the overzealous front-rower sometimes turns the class into her own personal strip club, which just makes everyone super uncomfortable. Save it for your boyfriend, please.
3. The quitter
Some people just aren’t cut out for group exercise. It’s a girl eat girl world out there and we can’t all survive. Every now and then you spot a new fresh face in the class who’s ready to get her groove on. But suddenly 20 minutes in she’s using the water break to gather up her things and escape out the door, tricking herself into thinking the hawk-eyed instructor can’t see her. While I don’t condone quitting these girls do serve a purpose, and that is to make everyone else in the class feel better about themselves because we’re capable of making it through a 60 minute dance class.
4. The rhythm-less chick
This girl is certainly the least annoying of the bunch, but mostly because you feel bad for her. She comes to these classes time and time again, but was sadly born without any sense of rhythm. I commend these people on making the effort, I really do. Every room is equipped with floor to ceiling mirrors so they must be aware of their resemblance to an ostrich with two left feet, yet they keep coming back. Bless their hearts. Someday they will realize spinning class is more their speed.
5. The first-timer
Also not super annoying, the first-timer is another chick you can’t help but feel bad for. These classes have somewhat of a cult-like following, so it’s very easy to feel like the odd one out. It’s pretty normal for instructors to ask in the beginning if anyone is new, but I’m telling you do not raise your hand. You will regret it once the instructor is calling you out for the 10th time in the middle of class saying “Don’t worry girl, you’ll get it!” My advice is to just stay towards the back for your first few classes and pay close attention. You will feel like a pro after 2 or 3 times (unless you’re destined to be a #4 forever).
6. The one with no concept of personal space
This one gets me really fired up. I can totally deal with all the others, but that one girl that invades your personal space is by far the worst. Does she do it on purpose? Is she just really caught up in the music? Is she truly that oblivious to those around her? I will never know because I am TOO ANNOYED. I understand that sometimes some of the classes are crowded, but how am I supposed to dance like no one’s watching to a Shakira/Pitbull mashup if I feel like I’m on a crowded subway car?! #MoveBitch