I’m Ready To Let Go Of You And Find Someone Who Deserves Me

Author’s Note: This is a follow-up and conclusion to my previous entry, This Is What It Feels Like To Love Someone Who Will Never Really Know You.

“We could be friends.”

I never thought I’d reach the point where I’ll have to hate these words. They felt like the end of something full of potential. It didn’t even begin but why do these words have the power to cut through me? It gutted me to say yes but it broke me knowing what would happen if I say no. A part of me wanted to keep you because I want to know you, and a part of me wanted to let you go because I know you won’t be there when I’m done wanting to know you — because now, I’m starting to need you.

After hundreds of stolen glances and silent pleas of “please look at me, see me”, we finally got off the bus ride. Calmness filled the air. I thought that was the end of it. Instead, we went to dangerous territory. The closer I get to you, the more I forget to leave something for myself. I know you’re with her yet here I am, doing you a favor. I gave you the hardest thing I could ever offer — time. That’s what I get for wanting to keep you, fighting a battle I know I’ll eventually lose.

While you lie awake in the middle of the night, I hold on to my phone that felt like a knife, hoping you could stay with me for a few minutes more before you drift off. “What do you do when you lie awake at night?”, I ask. You like to stare at the ceiling, tell me about your day, share your problems, and give me all the right reasons why you’re wrong for me. Then you stare at the ceiling some more. I’d like to think that ceilings are the most magical thing ever — it makes you think about things you’d never think of before you end up lying at night, with nothing but pitch black surroundings and deafening silence. It’s personal. Intimate. A connection. It’s you and the ceiling, alone. I wish I was there while you continue to stare at the ceiling so I could stare at you and remember this moment for it would be the last. I have thought of you more than a thousand times, yet you can’t remember me even for just one second.

“I miss you.”

I never thought that it would only take three words for you to pull me back to you, while it took me 3 years, dragging, to pull myself away from you. Wouldn’t you like to know? I wish you would just take one look and see right through me. She might be giving you fairytales and happy endings, but I’m here to give you conspiracy theories and real-life beginnings because real life doesn’t have to end — it’s the present we can depend on.

I may not know how you take your coffee, what your favorite food is or what you do when you’re not burning hours late at night, but I know you. I know whom you first gave your heart to and why you’re not with her anymore. I know you like to play hearts — similar to how you play your games. I’d have to say you’re quite good at it. But how can you be so wrong for me when all I’m feeling screams the opposite? I know you don’t want anyone to fix you — I don’t want to. Use me as your instrument — maybe you’ll change your mind?

“Hi.”

I never thought that two letters would hold so much meaning, then teach me to read between the lines — it’s your favorite line. I might be late to reply, but hey, I’m so much better than you know and I’ll never leave you alone. Look, you’re shivering into the night. Will you let me hold you? Ask each other if we’ll survive if we keep going? Because you’re tall — and you’re what I see at the end of it all.

“…”

I never thought I’d have to wait for a broken line for me to know where we lie. Are you going to fold? Wing it, wither and surrender? Will you let me love you in the dark so no one has to know? I want more and I know you’re torn. You won’t even have to hide, oh, I love how your body lies — they give you away. So is your silence. Or your signature ellipses.

I wish you can hear my thoughts, they never lie. I’m running out of lines — let the rest be unspoken; I’m ready to leave without them.

You can’t do me right so this ends tonight. Because I know, someday, when you no longer exist within me, someone will begin this story with “Hi”… and end it with

“Be mine.”