1. Your friends who are in relationships are actually terrified to spend a night out with you and feel that they need to mentally prepare themselves all day beforehand.
2. You bring vodka gummy bears to a housewarming party while the rest of your friends have made hors d’oeuvres that could only be found in Pinterest photographs.
3. You get more booty calls than calls from family members.
4. Your success rate on dating apps is about as high as your standards.
5. When out with friends you order beer over wine, whiskey over vodka, chicken wings over a salad.
6. When out by yourself you order beer over wine, whiskey over vodka, chicken wings over a salad. Yes, people of the world. It’s possible to go out to drink and eat ALONE.
7. Shaving is no longer considered necessary. And now showering has become debatable, too. You also don’t remember the last time you washed your hair. That’s what dry shampoo is for anyway, right?
8. You’ve started to buy yourself expensive gifts like designer bags or nice jewelry and protest that you don’t need a man in your life in order to have these things. Maybe even post a picture of the items on Instagram with the hashtag #NoBoyfriendNoProblem.
9. You constantly use the hashtag #NoBoyfriendNoProblem. Then you stare at the post and question yourself that maybe there is a problem.
10. Blocking friends on Facebook who post way too many pictures with their boyfriends, fiancés and husbands/wives has become a daily routine.
11. Making gagging faces and noises when seeing pictures of engagement rings on social media is totally normal. To you. Stop doing it in front of other people. Eh, who cares.
12. You leave the room when family members ask about your relationship status.
13. You honestly don’t even know how to properly explain your relationship status.
14. Who are you kidding, your relationship status is nonexistent. Let’s get real. Or is the phrase “a sad joke” considered a category?
15. You convince yourself that everyone in a relationship is doomed and that you truly have it made because you can get with whomever you want, whenever you want.
16. But you cry (in an ugly and desperate manner, may I add) into a pillow at night because you have nobody sleeping next to you.
17. Oh wait, sometimes you do have someone sleeping next to you. But he leaves. Before the morning. Without saying goodbye. Did he steal money from your wallet? Fuck.
18. You’ve taken Plan B more times in the past year than you’ve taken vitamins in your entire life.
19. Your bank statement has a charge of $20 at CVS every week from your (weekly) trip for a box of condoms.
20. The sound of a baby crying makes your insides turn, leading you to immediately panic and question if you took your birth control today.
21. When someone asks if you want to hold his or her baby, you feel uncomfortable and make up an excuse like, “I think I’m coming down with a cold”, and then immediately panic and question if you took your birth control today.
22. The sight alone of a baby leads you to immediately panic and question if you took your birth control today.
23. You embrace any type of physical contact with the opposite sex because God knows you go through dry spells. Now that dude is creeped out that you held that hug a little too long. Nice work, nut job.
24. Your fridge has more alcohol in it than food. Just tell people you’re on a liquid diet and you’ll be fine.
25. You drink more coffee than water. Your days are extremely, extremely long (and lonely) and you’re too dumb to know that water would actually help your exhausted body more.
26. You have come up with code words for each friend to save you from awful dates. Saying “coconut” over the phone at dinner is discreet, right?
27. You are running out of excuses not to go on dates. What do you mean you’re getting your vacuum fixed? At 9PM on a Friday? Totally believable, use it on him.
28. You have lost hope to the point that you wear converse to bars while your other single friends (who are not hot messes) wear over the knee boots and stilettos. It’s all about comfort, right? Questionable.
29. But you still have nights that you feel like dressing slutty and are on a quest to “find a man”, so you occasionally unleash heels and maybe even a crop top.
30. Your beer gut is clearly visible in that crop top.
31. You don’t care that your beer gut is clearly visible in that crop top.
32. Guys are somehow still attracted to you and want to get in your pants despite the fact that your beer gut is clearly visible in that crop top.
33. It kills you a little bit (by a little bit, I mean a lot) to lie and say, “Hope all is well!” to ex’s who are (yes) actually doing well. Screw them anyway. Not literally, calm down you whore.
34. It kills you a little bit (by a little bit, I mean a lot) to hold a fake smile and manage to say the words, “Thank you, I’m doing well!” through your grinding teeth. Bitch, people can see right through you. And if they can’t, they can see your smudged eyeliner from last night. You’re not doing well. People who are doing well take five minutes to wash their faces at night.
35. You don’t wash your face at night. It had to be repeated and emphasized, sorry.
36. You’ve danced on a bar top or pool table in the last six months.
37. Scratch that, make it 3 months. Don’t be in denial.
38. You go through guys like underwear. Actually, you wear your underwear longer than your “relationships”. Gross, but it’s true.
39. You go through guys so rapidly that your friends (who know WAY too much about your nonexistent love life, stop blabbing) began to play a game every Friday called “Guess That Name” of the guy you’re seeing that weekend.
40. Then on Monday you blab to them about how the date went terribly (but in all honesty, there’s a 50/50 chance you slept with the guy, anyway) and now the game starts all over again this Friday.
41. And lastly and most importantly, you’ve FINALLY come to terms with the fact that you are, indeed, a single hot mess, and now you use humor as a coping mechanism. Everyone needs a good laugh, right? Why not let your life be the topic?