All sorts of problems can arise in a relationship between two people, including: Misunderstandings, Hurt Feelings, Disagreements, Disappointments and Distance (Emotional and Physical). However, there should be one thing that never arises, yet seems to happen quite regularly between couples and that’s Dishonesty.
People Lie To Themselves
I understand that people sometimes lie to themselves and if they aren’t honest with themselves then they can’t be honest with you. For example, I was in a short relationship with a guy who was emotionally unavailable but in the beginning he pretended and acted like he was available.
I don’t believe he faked me out on purpose and I’m not sure if he even knew the truth depths of his unavailability. I’m sure deep down he desires a real relationship with someone, but his fears dictated his actions and ultimately the truth had to come out. I thought he was secure. I was wrong. He didn’t necessarily lie to me, but he was certainly lying to himself.
Someone may tell you they want a relationship when in truth they aren’t really ready for one and can either go on to sabotage it or slowly pull away or any number of things. Or, they may present one way and actually be another.
But, you can’t blame the other person because you brought them into your life and I believe everyone you have brought in is a mirror to what is going on inside you. A relationship should progress organically and the mistake I made was giving him trust and letting him in before he deserved it.
Often we fall head over heels in love (or lust) with the IDEA of someone rather than the truth of who they are. People always present their best self at the beginning of a relationship. To really get to know someone takes consistency and observing their behavior in multiple situations over time.
Lies By Omission Are Still Lies
Yes, I’m referring to all you “ghosters” out there. Those of you who don’t have the balls to stand up and say, “I don’t think we’re a match” or “This isn’t working for me”. I understand your reticence to face someone else and tell them you don’t want to date them or be with them anymore. It isn’t fun and it isn’t easy. But, put on your big boy or big girl panties and fricking do it. Show some courtesy.
I have always had an understanding in all of my relationships that if one person is no longer happy and wants to leave they will be honest and tell the other person. There is nothing worse than having someone you are dating slowly fade out of your life leaving you to feel as if you’re inadequate and did something wrong when usually they’re just incapable of facing the truth.
Being wrong for someone doesn’t make either person wrong or right, it just means you aren’t a match and sometimes we have to move on even from people we love. This is truth. This is life. Don’t run from it.
Bold Faced Lies Are The Worst
I can almost deal with someone who will lie to themselves and some types of lies by omission, but what is wholly unforgivable and massively disrespectful is when the person looks you in the eye and blatantly lies to your face. Don’t be that person.
When did this become acceptable in any way shape or form? Life is not always easy. Your partner is not always perfect. Being in a long term relationship takes time, effort, consistency and communication. Lying is never the answer. Deception will never get you to intimacy and trust.
Why is cheating so rampant in our society? I cannot comprehend this. If you are unhappy with your partner or your situation you communicate your concerns and your unhappiness and you try and fix it however you can. If you can’t, then you leave. You don’t stay and cheat. I don’t care if you have kids or whatever the alleged reason you come up with in your head to justify your actions
When you are having problems the answer isn’t to turn to someone else. When things get hard you don’t have an affair and lie about it to your partner. I understand that most people don’t get up one day and decide to have an affair and that usually they start out innocently and move onto something else.
However, we all have to power to make choices and I don’t believe dishonesty is the way to go. I was brought up with parents who always told me, “Never lie to us”. So, I never did. It wasn’t in my nature and in fact I’m a very bad liar anyway so I just don’t do it.
If you are unhappy in your relationship sit and think about why. Often we get into the role of victim and we start blaming our partner for all our problems when in fact it takes two people and the majority of the time each plays a role.
What’s The Answer?
The answer is to be honest. Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Who are you? What do you want? What kind of person or parent do you want to be? Being honest isn’t just about cheating it’s about being honest with your needs, your desires, your fears and your insecurities.
No one is perfect and we all have some issues (some more than others). Maybe the truth is that you have been hiding your true self in fear that your partner won’t accept you so the reason you aren’t bonding or you keep looking elsewhere has nothing to do with them.
What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to live your life? What behaviors do you find acceptable in yourself that you would not accept in others? Some people are consummate liars or sociopaths and those people likely can’t be helped. But, the majority of us know right from wrong and understand on at least a basic level the implications of our words and actions.
The worst thing someone can ever do to me is lie to me. I can deal with truth and I can deal with people feeling differently than I do. What I cannot deal with is being disrespected by someone who says they care (even if just a little). If you don’t want to be with me, then leave.
So, before you embark on that affair, or before you ghost that person you were interested in or before you blame your partner for all the faults in your relationship take another look at yourself and decide who you want to be. If you can’t honor yourself how can you honor anyone else? Think about it.