“He’s just a CRUSH, that’s all”– the lie she’s been telling herself for a couple of months now.
It started as an innocent peek then that peek turned into a passionate gaze, then that gaze turned into a small talk which then escalated to a heart-to-heart discourse.
Her fondness for this charming barista grew as they become closer.
After some time, she couldn’t seem to draw a line between mere admiration and attraction. She caught herself dressing up solely for him.
She started drinking more coffee just to catch a glimpse of its source.
She kept on coming back to the place where they used to meet or walking on the same streets he used to pass by, secretly waiting for his shadow.
She even wrote a poem on a table napkin, addressed to him. Nothing seems to be wrong – if and only if the maiden in this story is not in a committed relationship.
Found yourself in the same situation? I hate to break it to you but chances are, you’re cheating. And no, you don’t always have to touch the other man’s fingertips to be unfaithful.
Emotional infidelity is still infidelity. In fact, it’s often more intense and hurting than physical cheating. It’s beyond flesh to flesh contact – it’s an affair of the heart.
You can’t just tell, “Ah, I made a mistake” or “it happened once, I lost control of my impulse, and I’m sorry” since you formed a deeper emotional attachment that sure didn’t take place overnight. Cheating, whether it’s physical or emotional, is a crime.
Every single day you’re with the other person (for instant gratification), you omit the existence of your long-term significant other and disregard what he’d feel if he knew. Every moment you lie, you are silently breaking vows and turning a blind eye to your partner’s choice to trust.
Every time you starve for affection and attention from the other man, you are stepping down on your partner’s self-esteem since you’re looking for the things you think he lacks. It’s just egocentric and nobody deserves to be treated with such.
If you have a crush or a special “friend”, look out for these signs and determine when your actions are veering on the shady side.
1. You always try to be a little extra
Showing off for other people, like wearing a sexy dress and makeup, is normal – everybody loves hearing compliments about how we look, right? But when you do this to impress a particular person, that’s a different story. You smile more brightly and you modulate your voice to become more musical and inviting. You’re not just trying to look nice – you’re sending the notion of interest and you’re actually expecting the same from him.
2. You think about him all the time
And when most of your daydreams are about him being naked, be very alarmed. Sexual fantasies about someone to the extent that it’s sabotaging your attraction to your SO are a huge threat to your relationship.
3. You share your relationship’s dirty laundries
And normally, you don’t say a word about any of this to your partner. It sometimes reaches to the point of demonizing your own partner. You complain about your SO and your current relationship status to this other man instead of directly confronting your partner about these issues.
4. You start making comparisons
He has 6-pack abs while your partner has 2-pack flabs. You’re into music, he’s into music, while your partner isn’t. You share the same views about marriage, while you and your partner don’t. You begin to have a bias, seeing this other man in a good light and your partner in a negative one. Eventually, you start fantasizing about your future together, and that’s not a good sign.
5. You spend more time with the other person (and actually you like it)
You eat lunch with him every day. You text more often, even ’til the wee hours. You even talk to him more than your best friend, and share private information with him. You feel understood by him. You feel more connected with him. You feel energized when you see him or even think about him, and you always can’t wait for your next encounter.
6. And you hide these shady actions from your SO
You meet with your partner and narrate about your day at work but you skip the “lunch” part for a very good reason. You know something else is going on if you keep on downplaying how much you like him or how much time you spent with him. Guilt is the sole reason why you feel the need to hide.
Gal Szekely, the founder of the Couples Center for therapy in Northern California said that nothing is wrong with maintaining some privacy and forming new friendships while in a relationship. However, you have to be clear about boundaries and keeping transparency with your partner. If you habitually text this person ’til 2 AM and engage in some pillow talk, your partner has every right to know.
7. You feel more emotionally invested
If you feel like you’re exerting more emotional energy into your so-called “friendship” than into your primary relationship, then you might have to stop and rethink. Why are you spending too much time with this person? Why do you keep on wanting to see him? Do you still love your partner? Are you still satisfied with your relationship? What are the lapses in your current relationship? Do you still want to resolve them? Come clean for everyone’s sake!
And if you’re still willing to work on your relationship, make sure you’re not taking attention away from the bond you should be nurturing – the bond with your partner. Learn to back-off, disengage with the other guy, and focus on rebuilding your relationship with your significant other.