Truthfully, there really is no point and they just make the you look bad. They also inadvertently reveal some embarrassing truths about you. Here are 10 kinds of passive aggressive Facebook posts and what they actually say about you:
1. THE PITY PARTY
Example: “Omg can’t even. Still long for you all the time”
Translation: “I haven’t been fucked in a year”
Nothing says you aren’t having sex like shit ton of emo whining. It’s Freudian. Or something. This post is also a cheap ploy to get the aforementioned mysteriously unnamed object of your affection to feel bad about whatever mysteriously unnamed conflict caused the demise of whatever mysteriously unspecified thing you two had and cause that person to miss you, too, therefore come sprinting back to you across an open field while Whitney Houston’s “I Want To Run To You” crescendos in the background.
…Yeah, compounding your problem is that no one fucks a whiny idealist. Unfuckable vicious cycle… ya dig?
2. THE MONA LISA
Example: *Insert* [Photo of you with hot stranger after very recent breakup]
Translation: “I’m petty”
Nothing says you have TOTALLY moved on and are TOTALLY NOT trying to get under your ex’s skin like posting a picture with that hot Latin stripper who you bribed by promising him you’d toss him some extra singles if he grabbed your left boob and said cheese. Oh yeah. You are fast trackin’ it to classy town.
3. THE GOD COMPLEX
Example: “Don’t think I don’t know what you did”
Translation: “I’m too much of a pussy to confront you because there is a solid chance you didn’t do it”
“Don’t think I don’t know what you did”?? WHOA, Dude. I haven’t seen anything that unnecessarily ominous since the ending of Jumanji where that trembly board game washes ashore and the audience is all OMG THERE WILL TOTALLY BE A SUPER TERRIFYING SEQUEL!
Cut to: There has never been a super terrifying sequel.
And, actually, let’s ponder the logic of this post for a moment. If the “you” in question actually “did” what you definitely “know” they did, you would have called them on it in person. But you have not done that. Instead, you have chosen to blast some cryptic words into cyberspace in order to project some kind of faux confidence regarding all the knowledge you supposedly have but choose to… keep to yourself… ?
4. THE LAST WORD
Example: “Guess I dodged a bullet lol”
Translation: “I might kill you in your sleep”
IT’S A TRAP! DON’T HELP HIM TO HIS CAR!
If you were truly feeling that jovial and lol-like, I doubt you would feel the need to publicly stick it to someone like this. This post is dripping with so much unresolved anger that I actually need to towel off. And not in the good way.
5. THE SONG LYRIC
Example: “I knew you were trouble when you walked in/So shame on me now”
Translation: “I’m a constant emotional mess”
::Sigh:: The song lyric. Is it me or does it somehow seem like we all know that one Maestro who will not stop posting in operatic verse?
Here’s a little question for him/her: doesn’t the desire to brand yourself as ‘The Taylor Swift Of Facebook,’ feel… oh, I don’t know… A BIT DRAMATIC!? Nothing says you are kind of maladjusted and maybe hysterical and possibly possess zero coping mechanisms like frantically re-gifting someone else’s Billboard hit, pounding ‘enter,’ and symbolically proclaiming OMG YOU GUYS THIS IS SO WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW. Throw in the fact that you are usually targeting some previous lover and this is basically the cyber equivalent of running at them with scissors. Not a good look.
If you could learn any kind of healthy ability to sort out, articulate, and take ownership of your feelings, I promise a calm and simple, “I’m upset” could do the trick. So beware – when it comes to this poster, there will be screaming, crying, perfect storm/(They) will make all the tables turn.
6. THE BIBLE VERSE
Example: “Ephesians 2:8-9”
Translation: “I voted for Bush”
7. THE ROMEO/THE JULIET
Example: “My heart skips when I see you”
Translation: “I’m creepy”
…Ummm… yeah… so… one grows apprehensive when you write about seeing someone instead of just going to see them or telling them this information to their face. Why the need to Poltergeist it to them through the computer screen? I get that wooing has evolved with the technological renaissance, but I promise grouping yourself in with a terrifying as balls Spielberg film will not be getting your new romantic prospect to lead you “into the light” anytime soon. Send a dick pic/topless photo and call it a day.
8. THE FOREIGN LANGUAGE
Example: “To eres un perro”
Translation: “I’m like so totally super covert”
You know there is a hyperlink underneath your post that says, “translate,” right? I’m not even going to bother with this one.
9. THE PHILOSOPHER
Example: “In life, there are those who will help you and then there are those who will walk all over you. Know the difference.”
Translation: “I suck at problem solving”
I guarantee no one reading this status ever shouts, “Wow! Aristotle has risen from the dead and is splooging genius sociological commentary all over my news feed!” More than likely, everyone simply internalizes, “Um, who pissed off Sam?”
So, Sam, if you really feel like you are in the presence of someone “who will walk all over you,” then please know that it would be far more effective to express your grievances directly to them as opposed to expressing your dissatisfaction indirectly at them by way of heady, generic concepts. Got that, Sam? They are called “I” statements. USE THEM.
10. THE COMMANDER
Example: “You better respond to my email!!!”
Translation: “I have no manners”
I’m going to offer you some metaphorical life advice: pushing my head down will not make me suck your dick… so stop barking orders at me, I don’t have an ISIS fetish.
If you could have simply sent the recipient a polite and private follow-up email, why theatrically swing from the tree branches with your wooden club in hand, demanding ME. WANT. RESPONSE. NOW.?
Maybe the recipient’s guinea pig died and they just need space. YOU DON’T KNOW. Even if they don’t want to respond to you, disrespecting their choice by hurling exclamation points at them is rude. As the wise Samantha Jones once said, “Please. If it happens, it happens. Bottoms up!”
In closing, it appears as though some people might need to invest in a private journal. When viewed in a certain light, passive aggressive Facebook posts can be seen as an alternate form of harassment and cyber bullying… and no one wants that. So, people, let’s do our best to keep it to cat memes, check-ins, and, of course, all the things that make us feel “so blessed.”