The thing about toxic relationships is that they are a total mindfuck.

I told him to leave. I watched him walk away. I felt dejected and confused but also content and relieved. This was a rollercoaster of emotions I was used to jumping on everyday. Toxic relationships are that way. A toxic relationship is a million contradictions tied neatly in a package. The presentation is always appealing to the eye but it doesn’t match the reality that is inside. Toxic relationships are days and nights of dread and manipulation. They thrive in environments that are surrounded by confusion and inconsistency. But this time was different because I was the reason for the chaos that was going on in my own head. I was the one that decided it was over.

But the end was never really my choice.

The confusing part about toxic relationships is, admitting that you’re loving someone that is hurting you. The confusing part is breaking up, not because you want to, but because you are so emotionally exhausted and drained from all the turmoil.

The most confusing part is the uncertainty of what’s next when it is finally over.

Where does the end of us leave me? Seriously and utterly confused. Drowning in shambles of the aftermath. 

Can you hate the way you allowed someone to treat you but still be grateful they were in your life? Is it possible to resent what you had but also be thankful for it? Mostly, how can you be ok with yourself after years of allowing a person to shatter your self-esteem and question the love you have for yourself?

Now that, my friends, is the hardest question of all.

The thing about toxic relationships is that they are a total mindfuck, even when are over, they never really end.