Oh, you think I’m cute? Thank you! I really appreciate that.

No one has ever told me I’m cute before. I’m 24-years-old, and I go out pretty frequently, interacting with people of all different ages, and guys of all different backgrounds. Usually guys are pretty drunk and come up to me. But no one has ever told me I’m cute! You are so dreamy. We should hang out some time! Are you doing anything tomorrow?

Where are you going? Did you want my number? Okay, maybe I will see you around and hopefully next time we are out you still think I’m cute. Maybe then you won’t be going up to 15 other girls to tell them how cute you also think THEY are.

Oh, you think I’m cute? Thank you, I know.

How do I know? Well, I mean, I’m 24-years-old. I own a mirror. And also, there’s the fact that I go out pretty frequently and interact with other humans. I meet a lot of guys, all different ages and backgrounds, and it doesn’t take much for them to come up to me. Usually they are pretty drunk, but that gives a lot of people a false sense of confidence. So yeah, I’ve been told I’m cute before. Several times actually.

Oh you think I’m a bitch, and you didn’t want my number anyway? Is that why you came over here? Just to tell me how much you DIDN’T want to talk to me?

Well, whatever at least I’m a cute bitch. I have that going for me.

Oh, you like girls who are more of a challenge?

That’s so funny you say that because my ex used to tell me how difficult I was all the time. In fact, he would say I am so complex that even the CIA wouldn’t be able to figure me out. I mean, I might not seem like much of a challenge right now, because I’m not going to sit here and pretend I have zero interest in you. But just wait until you get to know me, I promise I am one of the most challenging people to love that you will ever meet.

Oh, you don’t want to get to know me? I see. You just wanted to make out and tell me I’m cute, but not challenging enough to be with for the long haul.

Well, I’m looking for a bit more longevity. But, I hope insulting someone and then hitting on them works out well for you one day.

Oh, your ex-girlfriend dumped you and now you are out here trying to find someone more worthy of your time?

Did she say why she dumped you? Oh, she was just a filthy, lying whore? That’s too bad. I’m really sorry you are going through that.

Hey, I’ll tell you what. I’ve been dumped by a lot of assholes in my lifetime, so I will totally pity make out with you. Maybe if you tell me more about how hard finding the right person has been for you, I will also go home with you. But only because I bond super well with other broken souls, and you seem to fit the mold.

Oh, you aren’t looking for anything serious?

Then may I ask, why are you even coming up to me? Oh, you think I’m cute and I look like a cool person to talk to? Well thank you! I really appreciate that. Most people notice my looks way before they realize that I’m actually a really cool person. It’s great how quickly you were able to pick up on that.

I think it’s important to establish some ground rules in the beginning. I, too, am not looking for anything serious. In fact, I’m not really looking at all. I just came to the bar to have a good time, and if I happen to meet people, that’s cool. But I, unlike you, don’t feel it very necessary to go up to someone and write off the possibility of it going anywhere in the first five seconds. I at least pretend that maybe I will still show interest in them after we spend the night together. I mean, at least for a week or so. Then I shoot them the whole, “I’m not looking for anything serious” text.

But hey, I’m down to have some drinks and some good conversation. And no, you don’t have to buy the drinks for me, just put them on my tab. I don’t want you going home later and complaining to your friends about the awesome conversation you had with this girl for hours, and how she still didn’t go home with you. I mean, you can blame me when you talk to them, but after all, you did say you weren’t looking for anything serious. I just look like a cool person to talk to, right?

So let’s talk and then I’ll watch you walk away disappointed. But I’m sure you’ll find some other girl to go up to once we’re done here.

I wouldn’t start with that opener though. I would just tell her you think she’s cute or something.