I Don’t Know If I Love You Anymore

I don’t know if I love you anymore. They say if you have to ask yourself whether you love someone or not, then you don’t. But, I don’t believe that. I believe the heart lies. I believe feelings lie. I believe we think and feel things based off our beliefs and sometimes our beliefs are soured by the world. Sometimes our beliefs have turned against us. Sometimes we’re living on autopilot without even knowing it, no matter how self-aware or steadfastly devoted to self-growth we are. Sometimes we can have a feeling based off a sour belief for years and then, one day, feel different.

I’m afraid of regretting losing you. What if I lose you and then I realize I always wanted you? How would I live within the ghost of our love if I know I’m the one who killed it? You love me so surely and so certainly and so completely and I want to love you in the same reverence you love me. I want to bury myself inside my psychosis and find the errant belief which keeps me from loving you completely. I want to know why I chase pain. I want to know why I love people who don’t want me and I discard those who do. I want to know why I’m such a fuck-up and I want to stop being a fuck-up, but I also don’t want to stop because who am I if I’m not an emotional fuck-up?

Here’s the thing I know about me: I’m a survivor. If you leave me or if I force you out, I will be okay. I’m not worried about my okayness. I will shift my thinking and I will acclimate to a life without you there. I will do it. It will not be easy, but I will do it. I will burrow myself in the comfort call of that loneliness, that barrenness I felt before I met you. I will remember how to live without someone to cling to at 3am.

My worry isn’t whether or not I will be okay without you. My worry is simply: what if you are gone and I realize I was wrong about us? What if I date other people and try to find your laugh in their laugh or your face in their face or the way you wrap me in your arms in the way they wrap me in their arms? What if I lose you or leave you and then I look for you again my entire life? What if I go in search of something different, but all I end up wanting is you? What if I search for a greater love only to realize you were the greater love?

How could I live with that?