1. How they navigate putting together Ikea furniture. When they’re surrounded by almost identical pieces of cheap wood with slightly varying pegs and holes and twenty pages of instructions, who do they become? No one can power through this crucible without changing as a person, you just have to hope they don’t come out as something dark and twisted. Little known outtake from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: Anakin attempting to put together a room full of Ikea furniture for a demanding, impatient Padme. We all know how that ended….
2. Whether or not they can sit through a Lord of the Rings: Extended Edition marathon. A strong, dedicated person can power through and remain vigilant, even through the Ents and Frodo’s incessant whining. The more I think about this, the more profound it feels. The answer to the Ultimate Question, maybe?
3. Everyone is three people; their sober selves, their drunken selves, and their hung-over selves. The first two personifications get the most attention, but I think the secret lies in the ‘hung-over’ category. What that secret is, I have no clue, but anyone who can power through their day after eight straight hours of drinking the previous day like it was nothing deserves a medal, or maybe a punch to the face. Actually we should probably just dissect them in the name of science and all mankind.
4. Do small children make them hiss and cringe back in fear? Do they avoid breathing the same air as pregnant women for fear it might become contagious? Well, they either hate kids, don’t want to have kids, or have a shiny gold ring in their pocketses and IT BURNS US PRECIOUS. Maybe they fear commitment, or maybe they just understand that babies are basically small demons that make you love them and force you to develop irrational protective instincts.
5. In an attempt to salvage this list, I think there is something fundamental in how a person treats their friends once they’re in a new relationship. Do they still make time for you, with new, understandable limitations? Or do they disappear for six months, only reappearing when the relationship gets a little rocky? You don’t need half assed friends, my friends! Possibly also applicable to #2. (Hint: There is no saving this listicle guys)
6. Tangled cords bring out the worst in everyone, especially if they happen to be Christmas lights; pretty sure it’s a scientific fact at this point that Christmas lights were designed as a sort of test of endurance for your average Jo. Just consider that if they are yelling and screaming at tiny colored light bulbs, how they’ll handle things like a mortgage or a flat tire. Or, more importantly, the Zombie Apocalypse (though I’m really kind of hoping for an alien invasion).
7. Is their first instinct to automatically disagree with everyone? I mean, each time you meet this person do they seem to be arguing with every single point presented? Do they appear to be an expert on every subject introduced as they dominate the conversation like it’s a fucking all out verbal brawl? Well yeah, these people suck and deserve to have their drink mysteriously disappear when they go to the bathroom. These people are douche bags, just to clarify.
8. How they deal with the waiter/waitress getting their order wrong. A crazy screaming food throwing tantrum obviously indicates a measurable degree of insanity, but I think not saying something also deserves some criticism. I mean come on. You’re paying good money for that reheated, over seasoned junk on your plate. You ought to at least ensure it’s the over processed crap you ordered. Unless they just forgot to take the tomatoes off your burger. It’s not that hard to just take that shit off, no need to insult your waiter/waitress’s entire family as though they have dishonored your ancestors or something.
9. How they behave in a really long, slow moving line. Is their behavior what one might expect when global collapse seems definite and their only salvation is at the end of that line? Is their whining on sheer Frodo-in-Return-of-the-King levels? Do you daydream about throwing them into the very heart of Mount Doom? Unless you’re at the fair waiting for a bottle of water in a 100+ degree weather drenched in your own sweat, then I totally understand because that shit sucks.
10. What type of coffee they order. This is vitally important to their overall worth as a human being, guys, and should be considered carefully. I’m just kidding, that’s stupid. Yeah, you’re so hard core over there, black coffee drinker, obviously better and stronger than the rest of us because you sneer in the face of cream and sugar. I mean I hate pumpkin spice season as much as any other non-UGGs wearing female, but I’m not sure it actually attests to that person’s character. Or maybe I just want to live in a world where I can order my Chai Latte and not feel the judgmental, disgusted stares of the true coffee patrons. We all have our dreams.