At the risk of sounding like I’m some sort of special snowflake in the awkward guise of Zooey Deschanel in pretty much everything she’s ever played in, I hope someone somewhere can level with me here. I have real anxiety about some of these; tell me I’m not alone?
1. Have full conversations with my pets.
What’s that Quinn? You think I totally shot that guy first and this game is total bullshit? Well, what a coincidence, I do too! You truly are a scholar and a gentle-woman, now be a dear and bring me some tea. No? Fine, asshole, whatever, I’m telling everyone about how I caught you licking the cat’s butthole yesterday.
2. Talk to myself in public when I’m nervous or embarrassed.
“Whoops! Hey there door, didn’t see you standing there being all door like! Alright, well, that was only really, really embarrassing. Why am I here again? And why am I talking to myself in Target? Oh, right, because I am a giant fucking weirdo, that’s why”
3. Read books out loud to myself in weird voices and accents.
This character would be so much cooler with an Irish accent and a lisp -because my Irish accent sucks and a lisp would really bring it together I think. Done aaaaand done. Hello entertainment for at least the next hour.
4. Have anxiety attacks only relative to Wal-Mart.
There are just so many angry, poorly dressed, smelly people in one space. There are no laws in these isles, people just push you out of the way or run you down where you stand innocently comparing cheap cereal options. I honestly just came here for their low, low prices and I’m feeling so attacked right now.
5. Sing songs to people as a means of communication.
Me: “Baby come back! You can blame it aaalll on meeee!”
Fiancée: “Alright weirdo, I just went to go look at those ties, keep it down, we’re in public. What do you think of this one?”
Me: “You’re bringing sexy baaaack, them other fuckers don’t know how to aaaaact-“
Fiancée: “Shut up. Shut up right now or I’ll punch you in the boob I swear to god.”
6. Chew on everything.
Pens, caps, bracelets, pretty much anything rubbery or plastic that won’t kill me. On the plus side, no one takes my shit at work. Win win?
7. Binge watch terrible childhood programs alone at night like a goblin.
Oh, Sailor Moon, you pretty sailor guardian, you’re still my god damn hero. Moon Prism Power for life! And what’s this?! Netflix has all the original Power Rangers episodes? I had my first girly part tingles for Tommy (the Green/White Ranger, in case you weren’t sure), along with pretty much every other girl from my generation. I think I can make it through the terrible dialogue to relive that. Doesn’t he do MMA now or something? Must Google and stalk.
8. Rewind and rewatch my favorite scenes in movies at least ten times every time I watch them.
Mr. Darcy your terrible proposal skills slay me every. Single. Time. Let me rewind this so you can tell me again about my inferior birth and poor circumstances. Ah, it never gets old.
9. Go to work in the same shirt I slept in.
Okay, a few points in my defense here. One, I work in a lab/tech environment where we wear t-shirts and jeans every day. Two, come on, all I did was sleep, it’s not like I ran for six hours in it. Three, in the time it takes me to find another shirt and change I could have finished my first cup of coffee. Four, okay, fine, you win, I’m just really lazy sometimes and I don’t give a shit. Happy?!
10. Become instantly suspicious anytime someone compliments me.
Alright, what do you want? I have sisters; I know how this shit works. You tell me you like my hair and then you ask me to do something for you that I really don’t want to do but I’ll feel obligated to do because I really did spend time on my hair today. You sick, sick bastard, why are you playing with my emotions?!