20 Things That Happen When You’re Not A Morning Person

1. Your alarm is more like a guideline than a rule; one which you will repeatedly ignore.

2. The five minutes in-between each alarm ring is spent dreaming of all the reasons you should call in sick that day and sleep a few hours more.

3. People who may have the misfortune of sleeping next to you do not appreciate this. In fact, you’ve come to think of them as your actual alarm and know it’s time to get up when they inevitably kick you out of bed.  Physically.

4. You have timed and perfected everything you have to do to get ready in the morning as to utilize every last drop of sleep you can. Sleep = more important than having good hair everyday.

5. You’ve also perfected cutting corners –you don’t have to do your makeup at home, you can do it when you get to work!

6. Your morning is so synchronized and planned that you are often a half-asleep zombie going through the motions and have little recollection of how you managed to put clothes on or how your socks are matching.

7. This trance often leads to fun experiences like using hair cream as moisturizer or drooling toothpaste all over yourself. There’s also a 43% chance you forgot to put on deodorant.

8. You’ve long since started keeping deodorant in your car/purse/office drawer. You’ve also established a collection of hair products and cosmetics for similar occurrences.

9. You’ve had entire mugs of coffee while in the shower. You’d like to believe you’re not the only person on the planet who does this.

10. Someone will inevitably try to have a deep and meaningful conversation with you before the sun has fully risen. It is completely okay to hate these people.

11. Through the rose-tinted glasses of a restful weekend you often optimistically set your alarm a half hour earlier for Monday. You never get up a half hour earlier on a Monday.

12. You inevitably forget something important after leaving the house that sometimes requires you to turn around half way to work. No manner of preparation the night before seems to stave off this vicious cycle.

13. By some awful trick played on you by the universe, your significant other/roommate/sibling is one of those dreaded, evil creatures who claim to be ‘Morning People’. They breeze through their morning rituals with the grace and ease that can only come from some unholy pact with Satan.  Calling them names like; the Dark Lord Sauron, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Maleficent, Bellatrix, etc., are all very fitting and appropriate.

14. These people inevitably take no pity on you and will often take advantage of your feeble strength and weakened metal capacities. They seem sickly amused by your pathetic attempts to ward them off.

15. Despite your love of sleep and hatred of early mornings you pretty much always stay up way too late. Reorganizing your bookshelves or cleaning the kitchen at 9pm on a weeknight always sounds like a good idea… it is never a good idea.

16. You drink so much coffee sometimes you feel physically ill by around noon every day. You usually counter this by drinking more coffee.

17. Your idea of breakfast usually involves something wrapped and packaged that you can grab on your way out the door. If you happen to grab something you actually want to eat you feel that you’ve won the morning scramble lottery and it’s a good indication of how the rest of your day will go.

18. Falling asleep on the toilet sounds hilarious until it happens to you and you’re late for work.

19. Some people daydream of nice cars, massive houses or of traveling across the world. You dream of having a job where you can get up at 10am every day and promise yourself that whatever job that might entail, you will begin working on it immediately.

20. The worst people on the planet are the ones that greet you with ‘Haaaaappy Hump Day!’