20 Signs That He Really Isn’t The ‘One’

All of the points made in this very detailed, comprehensive and expertly constructed list are of course completely hypothetical and are in no way derived from personal and often idiotic experience…

1. You call to tell him your wallet has been stolen and you don’t have enough gas to get home and his response is, “Keep me posted.” You have to wait for four hours outside of a Target (at least it’s not a Wal-Mart, am I right?) until your dad can come rescue you.

2. Five months into the relationship he’s introducing you to a close friend of his and its very obvious he has forgotten your last name.

3. He forgets that you’re at his house, where he left you vehicleless, while he goes out to spend time with his friends for six hours without his cell phone. In his pantry there is a box of spaghetti noodles and exactly four ranch flavored Wheat Thins.

4. You made dinner plans at around four in the afternoon and he doesn’t show up at your house until 9pm because ‘I was kicking ass in WoW Arenas!’ Your anger is completely unwarranted, obviously.

5. You’re in the middle of cooking him a nice dinner when the girl he forgot he invited to come over because you were supposed to still be on a work trip shows up at the front door. They are totally just friends and it is not at all weird that you’ve never once heard him speak about her.

6. You can’t in any version of a parallel universe imagine ever being comfortable enough to fart in front of him. This is a real gastrointestinal issue, people.

7. He yells at you because you didn’t rinse the mouth wash cap before putting it back on the bottle. You decide to lick the cap rim next time, after rinsing it off of course.

8. He informs you that your promotion at work is only because your boss wants to ‘bang you.’ In the words of Ryan Gosling … Who still says bang?

9. He decides to tell you after the third or fourth time you’ve had sex that his ex-girlfriend had herpes and takes waaaaaaay too long to reassure you that no, he hasn’t just passed them along to you. (And no, for the record you, oh hypothetical person, do not have herpes)

10. He has no problem telling you how the girl across the bar is really cute but you can count the number of times he’s said similar things about you on one hand and have a few fingers left over. Namely the middle one.

11. While drinking together at a bar, he decides he is bored and leaves without a word to walk home four blocks leaving you to wait around for three hours in drunken confusion before finally getting a hold of your best friend. He is asleep and snoring on the couch when you are dropped off at his apartment. He conveniently doesn’t seem to remember this.

12. When attending a fancy dinner at a nice sushi restaurant with a collection of your mutual friends, he fails to inform you prior to the meal that he is broke and you will be paying for his three, 12 dollar rolls and his four beers.

13. He used your favorite book as a drink coaster and subsequently ruined something your deceased grandfather, whom you loved very much, gave you right before he died, but does not understand how you can be so upset over a book.

14. He doesn’t lift the seat, or wipe it, leaving you a cold and wonderfully wet surprise at three in the morning. No one has to know you stood up so fast you got pee all over yourself.  Shhhhh…

15. He once used your favorite Star Wars shirt to mop up a spilled beer. There are truly just no words.

16. You once overheard him telling his older sister ‘I have no intention of letting her get her claws into me.’ You still have no idea what that means.

17. He canceled going to see a concert with you that you’d been looking forward to for months to play a new video game with his best friend.  It was fucking Mortal Combat for Christ’s sake; if you’re going to blow someone off for video games at least have some class about it. I mean, theoretically speaking…

18. He refuses to believe you know how to drive a stick shift (no, he knows you know how to drive that stick shift) and never lets you anywhere near the driver’s seat of his new Subaru but expects to constantly be allowed to drive your truck. It’s not hypocritical because girls can’t drive stick, duuuuuuuuh.

19. He’s a taker, not a giver. You know what I’m talking about ladies. You know…

20. And last but most certainly not least — he hates Harry Potter.

Get the fuck out, I mean right now, just… right now. I seriously hope the door hits you in the testicles on your way out. I mean, you hope the door hits him in the testicles. All of this is of course, once again, hypothetical.

Heh… Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I feel a bit too old for this, but here we are. – A Memoir by Me

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