5. The ‘Center for Disease Control,’ Mom
I love hand sanitizer as much as the next working mother with no more sick leave, but I need you to stop forcing it on me every 5 seconds. Do you want me to drink it? Would that make you happy?! Dude, we used to hold each other’s hair in post-apocalyptic bar bathroom conditions, can we just calm down a teensy, teensy bit? Mini you just shoved three pennies and a nickel into her mouth while you were death staring me for licking Cheetos off my fingers, you’ve got bigger problems.