1. Your inherent disdain for many things considered socially ‘feminine’ is obviously just an elaborate ploy to gain male attention.
Yeah, sure, if the male attention you’re looking for boils down to offering them advice on how to woo the girls they actually like. No worries though, it’s all part of the master ‘plaaaaaaaan.’
2. The guy you actually do like has set you firmly in the ‘no fly’ zone.
You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting my friend. The friend zone is not just for dudes, and you would know from experience. There is this common misconception that if a man pays any measure of attention to you, he must be somehow sexually attracted to you. You can buy into the idea that they may have considered the idea at some point, but you really don’t think it universally carries them through a largely platonic relationship. No matter how chummy, similar and funny the two of you are together, that is in no way a guarantee the two of you will end up skipping merrily into the low-maintenance sunset. In fact, it’s often a pretty great indication that you won’t. Oh, unfulfilled high school crushes.
3. You’re almost immediately hated/distrusted by any collective group of your male friends’ girlfriends.
You attend some sort of barbeque/outdoor function and at some point in the evening you realize that the ladies are on one side of the porch and the dudes are on the other and it isn’t hard to realize whose ‘side’ all those women feel like you’re on. You get it. Jealously is a thing, and it’s easy to be wary of close female friends, you just really don’t know how to bridge that sparkly, judgy gap. And because you’re ‘one of the guys,’ the topics that the lot of you have to relate to with one another comes down to pretty much basic body similarities. Periods suck. Boobs can be annoying. Cramps are the worst. You swear to God that you’re trying though, gritting your teeth through two hours of conversations about celebrities and the latest fashion trends, silently assuring yourself that your male friends seriously owe you one.
Speaking of periods…
4. When you’re ‘one of the guys’ there is never an acceptable time to talk about periods or cramps.
This phenomenon has gotten better with age as the imaginary world where girls shit rainbows and fart roses slowly fades into the reality of committed relationships full of accidental night farts and inescapable vagina blood. But, prior to the creeping horrors of adulthood, there was never a moment that you felt that complaining about how your ovaries seemed super intent on clawing their way out of your body was appropriate. And yaaaaay for everything being blamed on PMS, even if it totally was PMS, but fuck them, if they can’t handle the gore, they don’t get to complain about the symptoms ‘bro.’
5. In some ways (many ways maybe) you’d really rather not be ‘one of the guys.’
When you’re sitting in a group of guys intent on talking about tits and ass for your entire lunch break… you start to miss the nuances of your female counterparts. Sure, you feel that some women can be catty, insincere and superficial (you’re probably guilty of these things as well to some extent or another)… but god damn, at least you wouldn’t have to listen to one more ass comparison as though they were trying to circumnavigate string theory. Also, your lack of fashion-sense and general girly-ness isn’t always a choice per se. It just doesn’t come as naturally to you as it appears to for many other women. God damn do you wish that you could pull off those heels and those outfits and not look like some mutant giraffe/elephant hybrid sometimes. Sneaker wedges though… I mean, what the actual fuck?
6. You probably have a thick skin.
Guys can be brutal, man. If you look like a train wreck, they’re gonna tell you, no little white lies or gentle truths to be found. You’re used to being teased, mocked and laughed at all in the name of good fun. You can bet your largely unappreciated boobs that if you make an idiot out of yourself, men/boys are not going to pat your head, give you a hug and let you forget it. Nope, they will make fun of you for years. It will never not be funny and there is no such thing as ‘too soon.’ But hey, it helps keep things in perspective and you learn not to take yourself so seriously. Right?
7. You get an insider’s view into the deepest inner workings of a young man in love.
And it is a dark, dark place. You know personally that, despite all the flack that women get for being obsessive and ‘crazy,’ the male species really isn’t much better. They might not be as publically vocal about it, but as soon as that apartment door closes, the Kraken of Insecurity is released. You’ve also likely come to the conclusion that men handle break ups about as well as they handle the common cold, which means not at all. They turn into giant, walking balls of angst and spew violent oaths of relationship celibacy and they cling to one bad relationship like Lord of the Rings cults cling to canon. It’s just plain pathetic.
8. They can always tell if the guy you’re dating is a douchey douche bag of the tenth degree. Always.
The guy that ended up sleeping with your best girl friend? Yup, the dudes totally called it. That guy who had some borderline creepy porn fetishes? Once again, they totally called it. Remember the gentleman you thought you were going to marry and have six kids with and live in a beautiful house in the country side with that turned out to already be married? Not only did they warn you, but as soon as you totally ignored all their good advice, they made bets on how long it would last. At least they bought you a sympathy dinner with their winnings.
9. Whenever you do happen to turn up the ‘feminine’ gage, you’re more likely to be mocked and teased than you are to be praised.
That new dress you’re wearing? They either won’t notice or they’ll ask who you’re trying to impress and or sleep with. Put on more makeup than usual? Queue the clown/ hooker jokes. Showing a little more skin than usual? Be prepared for awkwardness. After all, if you’re really one of the guys, evidence of your breasts or mile-long legs is going to mess with their firmly held equilibrium.
10. Contrary to popular belief you don’t hate other women and you have close girlfriends.
You might even be tempted to argue that your friendships with women are often more meaningful and dedicated partially because of their rarity and partially based on a mutual disdain for total bullshit. Guys don’t typically enjoy playing complicated mind games with each other and if you spend enough time with them that idea can rub off on you, lending to more open and honest female friendships. These women aren’t just a lesser means of connection, they are completely vital, they are your life line, and they understand that even though you tend to get along better with ‘the boys,’ what you really want is meaningful connections with ‘the girls.’