20 Reasons You Probably Suck At Being A Girl

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Bridesmaids

1. You own maybe one pair of heels (nothing higher than like, three inches), and they’re black, four or five years outdated, and reserved for funerals and maybe weddings if they are at night and you’re reasonably confident no one will notice. Besides you can always trade them in for flip flops after a few drinks, right?

2. Your wardrobe consists primarily of t-shirts (mostly in men’s sizes) and faded jeans with real holes, not manufactured ones. You also probably own a disturbing amount of hoodies.

3. You tend to agree with men who say eye lash curlers look like torture devices. And the one time a friend convinced you to use one, after you’d painfully pinched the super sensitive skin of your eye lid half a dozen times, you were pretty confident you couldn’t tell the difference.

4. Your nail polish, if you’re even wearing any, is usually chipping or in varying degrees of chipped.

5. At the bar, you never order ‘cute’ or ‘cool’ drinks. Words like ‘Fuzzy Navel’ or ‘Purple Nipple’ sound like really lame heavy metal bands.

6. ‘Uh, I’ll just have a whiskey and coke please, no, not diet, the real stuff, yeah, thanks,’ could be your awkward bar-hopping catch phrase.

7. You rarely get invited on ‘serious’ shopping trips because not only do have very little fashion sense, you usually wind up wandering into Spencer’s and laughing at their selection of sex toys like a 16 year old virgin. They make bedazzled butt plugs?! Wouldn’t that like, hurt, or chafe or something? What if one comes off? Doesn’t seem very sanitary…

8. Phrases like ‘empire waist’ or ‘peasant cut’ mean very little if anything to you.

9. Makeup ‘contouring’ is basically a modern-day version of witchcraft you could never hope to possibly master. They have so many different brushes, what do they all do exactly?

10. The feeling of lipstick on your lips kind of freaks you out.

11. You look and feel like a new-born giraffe in short dresses. Summer dresses should be called ‘awkwardly lengthed’ dresses.

12. You don’t really know how to sit or exit a vehicle without flashing your lady parts to the entire world in a short dress or skirt. Bending over is pretty much out of the question.

13. You make friends with all the guys at the bar, or anywhere else for that matter, and get asked out by exactly… zero of them.

14. Your idea of an ‘updo’ involves the infamous messy bun with maybe a few bobby pins shoved in if things are really out of control.

15. At dance clubs you’re usually the girl in the corner entertaining people with your nonsensical dance moves that are obviously just meant to be amusing and are not how you really dance, duh. Its okay, people know you can’t dance; you can stop doing the ‘sprinkler’ now.

16. You were the girl during high school, surrounded by all her girlfriends, watching The Notebook while experiencing varying degrees of confusion and disbelief. As the two main characters died together in the most unrealistic death scene you’ve ever seen and your friends are ugly crying around you, you’re left wondering if next time you could all go see the second Lord of the Rings instead.

17. Your idea of a home cooked meal involves a box with a maximum of four instructions and even less necessary ingredients.

18. You are constantly baffled by current women’s fashion. Some of it you envy, but some of it seriously scares the crap out of you. I mean, what if she falls, she could break her neck or something.

19. Any sexual advances made toward you (or even in your general direction) by the opposite sex are usually met with strange, awkward laughter combined with a horrible case of word vomit.

20. You’re probably pretty content with who you are and don’t see much of a reason to try and be anything else. I mean, even in a baggy Star Wars t-shirt and jeans you’ve owned for five years, you’re still a girl, right? TC mark

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