1. They magically appear when they need something. I have too many acquaintances that do this, honestly. It’s the “hey, you want to have dinner?” friends who are basically saying, hey, I don’t have anybody else to eat with, and you’re a viable option for human companionship, so whaddaya say? Beware these types. Use them for dinner dates at your discretion. Don’t expect them to be present at your next existential crisis.

2. When they call to see how you are but it always turns into a rant about themselves…every time. Friendship, much like any relationship, is give and take. Yes, you have to listen to them mull over their latest heartbreak for the trillionth time to come to the epiphanies that you A) explained to them a month ago and B) are the same ones you make every other day. That’s life, that’s friendship. However, I’m talking about the people that only converse in consistent streams of all-about-me talk and you can’t get a word in edge-wise.

3. They bail on things that are important to you. Things they know are important to you. If you want to see who your real friends are, see who shows up on moving day, or who lies in bed with you and holds your hand while you cry yourself to sleep. A little dramatic? Yes. Based on my own experiences? Yes. Tried and true way to see if someone is a real friend? Definitely.

4. You are not one of the first people to know about huge events in their life. If you have to find out about breakups, makeups, hookups, pregnancies, moves, etc. via the grape vine, you are not a priority in that person’s life.

5. It’s a one-sided relationship, and that one side is all you. Sorry to sprinkle some salt on the wounds of you jaded folk but, very simply, if someone wants you to be in their life they will make room for you. If they are keeping you around on the backburner in case they need someone or something, it will be just as apparent.