I’m not exactly for a dystopian future where people are thrown into a death arena that looks like a poorly remodeled Sandals Resort. However, if you bought me nine margaritas and told me the following people would be reaped, I could probably get on board.
1. Michele Bachmann.
Weapon Of Choice: Crucifixes made into throwing stars.
Her Odds: Bachmann only scored a ranking of 4 after her private training session with the game makers. She whittled her crucifix throwing stars, but quickly went on a tangent about the persecution of Christians and how the games were part of the gay agenda. She fared a bit better than expected because a lot of Christian conservatives pooled their money to send her life saving medicine and food. She never eliminated a single competitor.
2. Dick Cheney.
Weapon Of Choice: Hunting rifles and quail calls.
His Odds: Given his age, heart issues, and falling asleep during his private session with the game makers, Cheney only scored a ranking of 3. He personally killed two other tributes by pretending to be allies and shooting them in the face. No one would sponsor him, so he was forced to invade other tributes’ camps and steal their resources.
3. A men’s rights activist.
Weapon Of Choice:A broken bottle of brandy.
His Odds: The game makers awarded him a ranking of 7 because of his violent outbursts and anger issues. He loaded a gun and fired all the rounds into a single target in less than 30 seconds for his special skill demonstration. He ultimately lost because he would give his location away by standing on tree stumps and yelling about misandry. He, much like Bachmann, failed to kill anyone.
4. Reese Witherspoon.
Weapon Of Choice: Driving under the influence.
Her Odds: Much like in the acting world, Reese displayed very little skill in her private session with the game makers. They did award her a ranking of 6 because she drunkenly ran over 16 virtual block men. She took down the most tributes by killing six people with her car. It’s unclear if alcohol poisoning or a drunk driving accident finally did her in.
5. John Boehner.
Weapon Of Choice: Crocodile tears and lawsuits.
His Odds: Boehner just cried and threatened to sue everyone during his private session, so he was awarded a 0 ranking. He did manage to kill one other tribute, albeit accidentally. The strategy of saying no and not doing anything (just like in Congress) proved to be his downfall.
6. A girl who says she’s not a feminist but then lists all the feminist ideas she supports.
Weapon Of Choice: A rolled up Taylor Swift poster.
Her Odds: The game makers awarded her a score of 6 for stopping a litter of puppies from peeing on the floor just by using her rolled up Taylor Swift poster. She partnered with Zooey Deschanel (see below) mostly because no one else could stand them. She did try to start a romance with the Men’s Rights Activist, but she planted a bomb on his favorite tree stump when she thought he was cheating on her with Zooey. Boehner killed her by accidentally giving her a paper cut with his court documents, which became infected.
7. Zooey Deschanel.
Weapon Of Choice: Untied bows she uses to strangle her victims.
Her Odds: Zooey ranked a 10 from the game makers because she mercilessly strangled a dummy that suspiciously looked like Ben Gibbard. Her deer in headlights expression proved to be very real when Reese drunkenly ran her down. Videotapes later proved she did sleep with the Men’s Rights Activist.
8. Nash Grier.
Weapon Of Choice: An iPhone 5s with hate speech as the call back ringtone.
His Odds: The game makers ranked Nash with a 5 for making a Vine that made them chuckle. However, a cohort of tween girls sponsored several supplies to help him make it to the top 10. Whenever he was cornered, he’d beg for mercy and say he was just a kid. This worked an obscene number of times. However, Reese couldn’t hear his pleas when she ran him over.
9. Antonin Scalia.
Weapon Of Choice: A cartoonishly large gavel.
His Odds: Scalia didn’t perform a physical demonstration of his skills, because look at him, and instead argued that he deserved a ranking of 12 from the game makers. His not so subtle racist, homophobic and sexist argument won him a ranking of 9. He targeted tributes he felt were against the original interpretation of the constitution first. He was taken out by Cheney.
10. Iggy Azalea.
Weapon Of Choice: She’ll just steal whatever you’re using.
Her Odds: Iggy received a ranking of 3. While the game makers generally found her odd dance moves and ability to steal entertaining, they soon wished they were with Nicki Minaj instead. She killed one tribute. She was shot in the face by Dick Cheney — who she thought was Hugh Hefner.
11. The guy on the train who wears headphones but plays his music so loudly that we can all hear it.
Weapon Of Choice: His bare hands while screaming, “BEATS BY ME!”
His Odds: His boxing skills, and his brazenness to wear headphones with music blasting from them during his private session, earned him the highest-ranking score of 11. He proved the game makers right by winning the games. He did have to get prosthetic hands after pummeling several tributes to death though.
12. Me after doing fireball whiskey shots.
Weapon Of Choice: Projectile vomit.
My Odds: The game makers gave me a seven, but that’s just because they lost a bet on how many fireball whiskey shots I could do. Six. I can do six. However, it’s a bad idea to enter a tournament called the Hunger Games while being severely dehydrated. I was the first to be killed and one of the many victims of Headphones Guy. I joined the Men’s Rights Activist and Bachmann as the only tributes not to kill anyone else.