I wish I could stop chasing you away, stop pushing and picking at parts of you because there’s nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with me. It’s easy to put the blame on you though, it’s easier to pretend you’re the problem than accept that I am.
It’s an old habit, and like they say old habits die hard.
I push you away because I can’t see how someone like you could love someone like me. I don’t believe it. I see my flaws like a neon sign in the dead of the night. I see you and I question everything because guys like you don’t like girls like me. I know there must be something wrong, something underlying that’s motivating you because I don’t believe anyone could love me, let alone you.
I act like I don’t care. I tell myself not to care, not to look at my phone, not to text you when it’s late and I’m lonely because I know I’ll hate myself for it in the morning. But some nights I can’t help myself.
I can’t open up because I know what it feels like to fall and not have someone be there when you do. I can’t get myself to go through the loneliness and the questioning again because it all comes back to me blaming myself. It always comes back to me thinking I’m not enough.
You left and I can’t blame you because I pushed you away the whole time. I never let you in. I was always guarded.
I blame myself for not being good enough when in reality I know that I am enough. I know that I could be the best possible version of myself and I still won’t appeal to most people and that’s okay because most people don’t appeal to me but that’s easy to forget when you’re left alone.
It’s easy to forget about all the people who you might have rejected or might not have found interest in. It’s easy to forget that someone else might not have been your definition of a “soul mate” while they thought the world of you because it’s so much easier to be concerned with our feelings and our feelings only.
I wish I could stop pushing people away every time they got close. I wish I could talk myself into being vulnerable and opening up my heart to the people I’m interested in but I can’t because in the past it never worked, in the past they’ve always ran. Or I gave them no option but to run.
Everyone has always left. I’m used to leaving. I brace myself for leaving but what I’m not used to is someone staying, and that’s what truly scares me.
I’m scared that I’ll find someone who will be wonderful in every way and I will push and push because that’s what I know how to do. I know how to deal with leaving because I’m good at shutting my heart out. I don’t know how to open up and let the walls I’ve built around my heart fall. It’s a bad habit and I haven’t been able to break it yet.
I pushed you away and I don’t think that will stop soon, but I’m working on it. Little by little I’m working on breaking down these walls I’ve built so high and maybe next time I’ll be able to let someone in.