I’ve felt horrible the last two days and I woke up feeling horrible again. I have a nasty pain in my stomach, I’m lacking basically all creativity and I just kind of want to run away from the world and hide. Part of me feels like ‘why the fuck should I care anymore, I can’t make a difference’ but the other half is screaming back ‘you can make a difference, you have a voice – use it.’ It’s exhausting feeling like nothing I say or do is making a difference.
Being a human is hard, it’s fucking hard. It’s 2017 and we’re constantly trying to convince people to care, to give a shit, to be a good person. We’re putting all of our energy into other people to try to convey a message to them that should be basic instinct. We’re putting all of our emotions into other people, letting them dictate our feelings and it’s so exhausting.
Being a person is so exhausting.
We wake up every morning at a time we probably don’t want to wake up at. We get ready, take time trying to look nice to fit a dress code or wear a uniform, grab some food or coffee and run out the door to make it to a place most of us don’t want to be at. We have to be there, we have to work, we have to do what we’re told, we don’t really get an option and we have to be “on” at all times.
We have to pull it together even when we want to break down. We have to smile even when we’re on the verge of tears. We have to act like everything is okay even when it isn’t.
We have to meet deadlines, we have to keep our boss happy, we have to get shit done even when we’d rather crawl under our desks and die.
Part of me wants to scream “bullshit, this isn’t living!!!!” But the reality of it is that I’d be wrong as I sit here and create content that isn’t coming easily to me because it’s my JOB.
There are some people out there who don’t have to work 40-hours a week and they make it happen, they get by, hell – some of them are making bank from their lifestyle and risk-taking. They struggled like hell but they found their way through. Most of us want to be those people but most of us never will.
The reality is that most humans won’t do that. Most humans will get up every day, go to work at a job that is mediocre at best, they will stay there until they can retire and then do whatever from there. Most humans aren’t creating start-ups, most humans aren’t quitting their unfulfilling jobs and “going for it” because we’re creatures of habit by nature. We’d rather not worry about being the boss, we’d rather let someone else handle those problems, we’d rather know we have a steady source of income because it’s safer.
But it doesn’t make being a human any less exhausting.
We all go through the world like we know what we’re doing. We try so hard to be professional. We try to make our lives look glamours, like we’re happy, like we’re together when the truth is most of us are falling apart. Most of us are living mediocre at best, most of us are just getting through. Most of us are so worried about taking care of everyone else that we forget to take care of ourselves.
We drain ourselves trying to keep everyone else happy, we say “yes” when we get assigned a task that makes us want to run away because “no” isn’t an option. We do things that exhaust us because it’s what we’re settling for – it’s a reality.
We’re trying to keep everyone else happy that we forgot to make ourselves happy. We put our emotions and problems on the back burner to make other people’s happiness and problems a priority. We’re trying to preach to other people that being a good person isn’t a hard task, it’s just the way it should be. We’re trying to make people understand that giving a fuck is cool and important. But no one cares. Those people don’t care and the reality is they never will. And it’s exhausting.
No one ever talks about how hard it is to be a person because we’d rather act like we have it together. We don’t talk about the times we’re falling apart, we only talk about the times we have shit together and things are going well because the bad times make people uncomfortable.
Trying to be put together when people are arrogant is hard, trying to be “on” when you’re not okay is hard, pretending to always be okay is hard. But we do it, we all do it because you have to be together even when you’re falling apart.
So we wake up in the morning, get out of bed to get ready to rush out the door. We smile, we do what we’re told and we pretend everything is okay when the world is falling apart. We pretend being a human isn’t exhausting and we push through, just like we’re supposed to do.