If you’re anything like me you love to get super drunk then feel sorry for yourself because you’re all alone while everyone else is matching with their drunk hook up. So what do you do? You reach for your phone and send the dreaded “you up?” text which leads to you waking up in the morning and HATING yourself (because that’s not all you said, what is self-control??). You probably proceeded to tell them how you miss them, how much you wish they were with you and some other things you’re just really not proud of. Drunk texting is a tricky thing my friends, so I crafted a list for you (and mostly for me) of things to do instead of drunk texting!!!

1. Give your friend your phone.

2. Block their number before you start consuming alcohol so you can’t drunk text them. You can unblock it in the morning when you’re conscious.

3. Get on Tinder or Bumble or the dating app of your choice and match with someone who isn’t them!!

4. Send those matches your flirty, weird, drunk texts because you don’t know them anyway so it doesn’t really matter!

5. Leave the bar and go order a pizza. Then flirt with the delivery driver.

6. Call your friend and have them talk you out of drunk texting.

7. Turn your phone off.

8. Go talk to someone in the bar that you find attractive.

9. Get some fucking self-respect!!!!

10. Drop your phone in the toilet so you can’t use it to drunk text. Just kidding, this will result in tears.

11. Remind yourself how much you will hate yourself in the morning then when you realize you don’t care in the moment break your phone.

12. Text someone you know will respond, who is not them.

13. Get so drunk you just pass out and can’t even think of drunk texting.

14. Just delete their number altogether (you don’t need them!).

15. If you don’t have any self-control and you DO text them, don’t fucking double text. Seriously. IT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE.

16. Throw your phone across the room and don’t touch it.

17. Duct tape your hands to bottles. Then chug.

18. Call your grandma, she’s bound to tell you she loves you.

19. Cook all the food you can find in your house and if you don’t have any food boil your phone. JK just call delivery and try not to pass out before they arrive.

20. Leave your phone at home and get wasted without any worry.

21. Download one of those apps that are supposed to stop you from drunk texting, then send me an email and let me know if it actually works so I stop drunk texting people, too.

22. Invite people back to your apartment so you have company if you’re feeling ~lonely~.

23. Puke.

24. Make out with some random person at the bar and use them as a distraction.

25. Text them when you’re sober if you really want to talk to them. Duh.