I Miss You But I Shouldn’t

God & Man
God & Man

I hate that I miss you, I hate that my brain still thinks about you when I’m lying in my cold bed all alone at night because you could be there if you wanted, but you’re not. I hate that I waste my thoughts on you because you don’t deserve to capture them anymore – you never did.

You never did anything to prove you cared about me, you never said or did anything that would give me any insight to how you felt about me, yet you’ve still got me wrapped around your finger. And I hate you for it. I hate myself more, though.

I miss you, I think about you, I want to text you, but I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t do any of it because you don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t do it because I know you don’t care about me, and that’s the worst part about this all. I know you don’t care about me, yet I’m still hung up on you.

But I can’t let go. I can’t let go because I think I’ve still got the slightest ounce of hope that maybe, just maybe, some day you’ll be ready for love and you’ll be ready for me.

I keep waiting for something that probably will never come. You’ll find someone better than me and it will absolutely break my fragile heart, but I’m prepared for it because I’d rather hold on to the little ounce of hope I have than nothing at all.

I hate that you have this power over me, but I hate even more that I allow myself to be so submissive to you. I hate that I can’t talk myself down from wanting you in my life.

I should walk away, I should delete you from my phone, I should forget about you and just move the hell on like you did so long ago, but for some reason I can’t. Maybe it’s because I don’t have anyone else in my life so the fantasy of you is making me stick around, or maybe it’s because I’m just that desperately and pathetically in love with you.

I wish I could shut my brain off, I wish I could erase our memories, I wish I could forget all the words you used to say to me when your breath smelled like cheap whiskey and cigarettes. But that’s what I’m holding on to and I know better than to believe you, but I’m still clinging to the words that slipped off your tongue after one too many.

I’m a sucker for men that will never want me. You’re my biggest weakness because I want to be the one to change you, I want to be your solution, I want to make you fall in love with me. I want to be the one who gets to walk down the street with you at night hand in hand. I want to be the one to show you off. I want to be the one who gets to wake up by your side.

I’ll keep holding on to the idea of you in hopes that one day this fantasy will become a reality. In hopes that one day we’ll both be ready to settle and slow down, and that hopefully it will be together. But if not you’ll forever live in my memory.

I miss you and I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. You’ve got me heart wrapped around your fingers. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

“It’s just wondrous how every time I go through some emotional trauma, your posts are so relatable and it gives me so much hope. I love the writing and the photos. It’s all a pleasure to read. I can’t thank you enough for it, really.” — DM from @ThoughtCatalog Instagram follower

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